A medical abortion in 2008

I had an abortion in 2008 much to my regret the situation.... I was seeing a married man (I'm not proud of that)and ended up pregnant. At first I was happy although I didn't want to split a family up but I was 32 and really wanted to be a mum. I told my closest friends and they all suppported me. I tried to tell the man but did not want to do it over the phone, so I asked him to come over as I had something I needed to talk about. He agreed but as usual didn't turn up just a message saying he couldn't make it. I told a good friend about it thinking she would be supportive instead she told me I was selfish and would break up a family and could not cope with being a single mother. Doubts were there, was I selfish? I really didn't want to hurt anyone.
She offered to pay and before I knew it I was in the clinic taking the first tablet, crying as really deep down I knew I did not want to do this. I took it, and cried all the way home. I had to go back to the clinic to take another tablet to bring on the miscarriage and again I cried. I hadn't told the man as I felt there was little point. He wouldn't have wanted it I was sure, still this didn't stop me wanting it. I bathed that night and bled heavily. A lump came out and I just looked at it thinking 'that's my baby, what have I done?' I will never forgive myself for aborting the baby but managed to get on with things. The man and I had an on-off relationship that came to a head this weekend when he was told by someone, who at the time I trusted, what I had done. He's putting the guilt onto me "shouldn't the father be informed?" Maybe I am selfish but I will have to live with my actions for the rest of my life. I don't need more guilt and can't stop thinking what if.....

Editor's Comment

The nature of your relationship ment that you were bound by secrecy, and snatching times together. It is sad that you were never able to talk it through together, and you ended up being pressurised into your decision because you felt guilty. 'What ifs..' are hard to live with, but you can't change the past you can only change the way you think about it. I think it would help you to have some post abortion counselling to help you to process what you have been through. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 09/10/2011 and it's been viewed 605 times.

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