A medical abortion in 2008
I was seeing a married man (I'm not proud of that)and ended up pregnant. At first I was happy although I didn't want to split a family up but I was 32 and really wanted to be a mum. I told my closest friends and they all suppported me. I tried to tell the man but did not want to do it over the phone, so I asked him to come over as I had something I needed to talk about. He agreed but as usual didn't turn up just a message saying he couldn't make it.
I told a good friend about it thinking she would be supportive instead she told me I was selfish and would break up a family and could not cope with being a single mother.
Doubts were there, was I selfish? I really didn't want to hurt anyone.
She offered to pay and before I knew it I was in the clinic taking the first tablet, crying as really deep down I knew I did not want to do this. I took it, and cried all the way home. I had to go back to the clinic to take another tablet to bring on the miscarriage and again I cried.
I hadn't told the man as I felt there was little point. He wouldn't have wanted it I was sure, still this didn't stop me wanting it.
I bathed that night and bled heavily. A lump came out and I just looked at it thinking 'that's my baby, what have I done?'
I will never forgive myself for aborting the baby but managed to get on with things.
The man and I had an on-off relationship that came to a head this weekend when he was told by someone, who at the time I trusted, what I had done.
He's putting the guilt onto me "shouldn't the father be informed?" Maybe I am selfish but I will have to live with my actions for the rest of my life.
I don't need more guilt and can't stop thinking what if.....