A medical abortion at 17.
As soon as I knew I was pregnant, I phoned up my (then) boyfriend who first asked if I was ok, then said if I continued with the pregnancy he would never see me or the baby again.
I remember being so scared of telling my mum and it was her that bought up the subject: she asked if myself and the boyfriend had had sex more than once and had we always used protection. I said yes but the condom had split once so I went and got emergency contraception.
"....and I'm pregnant." Admitting it to my mum ment it was real. I was pregnant. Even now, I struggle to think about it; I was growing a baby in me.
They were probably the 3 most terrifying words I've ever had to say to anyone.
I don't remember the moment I decided I was having an abortion but I remember looking on the internet to see when my baby's due date was - January 21st 2010. The same day my boyfriend would turn 18. I remember wanting to tell my mum I had changed my mind, I didn't want to have an abortion. I wanted to keep my baby. But all my mum kept saying was she was disappointed in me, and this made me too scared to tell her.
I chose to have a medical abortion as opposed to a surgical one and on my first appointment, I was appalled that I could take the 'expelled foetus' home with me - don't get me wrong, I understand why people would like to do it but it was most definitely not for me.
I don't remember a lot from the day of the abortion, I seem to have blocked it out; my mum went with me to the hospital but I refuse to talk to her about it or anything to do with my pregnancy; she made it about her. How SHE had to be signed off work with stress and it really pissed me off. I felt like saying, "HELLO!! I'm the 17 year-old who is pregnant here!! I'm the one who's baby you are so willing to get rid of!" and I'm still angry with her for it now.
I honestly believe that had my mum been different about it, I would of had the baby and yeah, I would probably be a single mum to a 22 month-old but who's to say that I wouldn't be happy? Who's to say that I wouldn't still be at university doing my nursing course?
I will never be able to say that having an abortion is the best thing I did for my life or the right thing I did for my life and there are times when it gets me so down, I feel like killing myself. So I'm going to get help. Because while I can't change my past, I can change my future.