I had an abortion three weeks ago. I was just under nine weeks pregnant...
My now ex partner and I have had difficulties from the start. We'd only been seeing each other 2 months when our relationship started to break down and we even started to have physical fights. Because of our destructive relationship, both our families resented us being together.
My decision to have the termination was the hardest decision of my life. My head was telling me I'd be stupid to carry a man's baby who I didn't love anymore and whose family hated me. I didn't want my baby to be exposed to such a volatile environment. Even though I knew in my head I was doing the right thing, I couldn't help thinking about whether it would be a boy or a girl, what I’d name him/her. I’d think about what it would look like and I’d look at baby clothes whenever I was out.
The clinic I went to was horrible. The nurses made me feel like I was just a silly little girl and were actually very rude to me which didn't make me feel any better especially when I was travelling so far from home. What amazed me about this whole experience was that there was so little I actually knew about abortion and how much was involved. I think people are very uneducated, and I think this is partly due to the fact that it is still such a taboo topic. I didn't feel like I could tell hardly anyone about what I'd done, I felt so guilty and dirty and didn't want people to look down on me. But I had no choice.
I have just been for my post-op check at the clinic as my pregnancy test this morning came up positive but my scan showed no signs of continuing pregnancy. I should feel relieved but instead all I feel is empty. Whenever I see pregnant women, hear people talking about babies, seeing babies, it’s the most painful thing. Sometimes I wish I could lock myself away so I wouldn't have to see those things and it wouldn't hurt anymore.
I still see the father but nothing will be the same again. He doesn't seem to understand what I've been through and seems to carry on as normal. He might just be acting like everything's ok but either way he's not communicating about it.
If I'd had more time to make my decision and if things had been different, I'd be 11 weeks pregnant now, expecting on 9th December. I think about it everyday and only hope that one day it'll get easier.
Editor’s note: Thanks for having the courage to share your story with us. Even though your head was telling you that the decision to discontinue the pregnancy was a sensible one under the circumstances, your heart was telling you something else and that’s why you now feel the pain, sense of loss, regret and emptiness. On top of that, you are having to deal with issues of guilt and shame. It sounds as if you might want to withdraw and avoid these painful feelings, hoping they’ll just go away or fade, but it’s better to face them in a safe environment with the support of someone who fully understands your situation. I want to encourage you that there is healing for you and a good first step would be to talk to someone on the helpline, and then contact your nearest centre or use Online Advisor. We’ll be thinking of you.