A surgical abortion at 14 weeks and 4 days

I found out I was pregnant the day before I was due to start a four year degree. I told my mum that night, and we kept it a secret from my dad so that I could still get dropped at university. I made my decision pretty quickly- I wanted my baby. For two weeks I set about planning for the future with my tutors, keeping myself distracted. My mother stopped eating and my father was furious, often resorting to emotional blackmail to try and get me to have a termination. I found it increasingly more difficult to cope at university with all the emotional turmoil from losing my parents' emotional and financial support. Another week went by. My partner was driving two hours to see me every other day because I was in pieces. I felt abandoned and alone, but my desire to keep the baby was enough to keep me going. The university agreed that I wasn't coping well with the stress, and allowed me to have 2 years out. I thought this was ideal- it would mean I would return with a one year old and could move down with my partner (as he would have finished college). I moved in with my partner and his parents, and to tell a long story short it went very pear shaped. His mother made me feel like it was her baby and got increasingly more controlling. I felt trapped. Relations got slightly better between me and my parents, so when I started to bleed, it felt more comfortable to stay at my parents' house. Luckily I did, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get to the hospital the next day. The baby was fine, but in my head I was panicking. I started to worry about finances, and I knew that I didn't want to live with my partner's parents any longer. But I also knew that I couldn't stay at home if I kept the baby. I felt like my only choice was a termination. I had a bpas appointment one day, and then the very next day I had my procedure. I had a surgical abortion at 14 weeks 4 days and so had to have tablets to make my cervix dilate, which made me vomit. As soon as I woke from the operation I was crying. The nurses told me it was the anaesthetic, but I knew it was the deep regret I felt already brewing inside of me. I wish I had just found a way through the problems and kept my child. I look at my university books and just push them further under the bed. Just a day has passed since then, and how I wish I could turn back the clock and find a way to keep my baby.

Editor's Comment

It is very sad that after making the sacrifice of defering your place at university, you were still unable to find a way through your situation at home. Setting up a home with your partner might have been possible if you had both found jobs, but it was hard on you both to be relying on your parents for support and somewhere to live. It sounds as though you felt trapped and unable to see a way of continuing your pregnancy. You need to acknowledge the deep loss you are experiencing and allow yourself to go through a grieving process for the baby you have lost as well as lost hopes and dreams. If you would like support as you face this time please contact CareConfidential. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

This story was sent in on 07/12/2011

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