A medical abortion in April 2011
At the time I was seeing someone and even though I knew it was stupid we had unprotected sex a couple of times. I kept thinking that I needed to go on the pill but never got round to it. When I was a week late for my period I knew that I was pregnant. I can't explain how, I just knew through a feeling I had inside me. At first it didn't really bother me, I thought that if I didn't think about it, it would go away but then I knew I should do a pregnancy test to be absolutely sure.
There was a girl from work who I got on well with but hadn't known for long, she was so easy to talk to. It was easier telling her than anyone else. She was really understanding and came with me to buy the tests and then waited with me whilst I took one.
Buying the tests was horrible. I remember going through the self-service section of the supermarket just so it limited the number of people seeing me buy a pregnancy test. I felt so ashamed.
We then went for some lunch and to the toilet after. I sat there so nervous trying to wee, but couldn't, I waited there for ages and eventually I did. My friend was waiting outside and asked if I was okay. I said yes.
I sat there feeling absolutely nothing as the test turned positive.I slowly pulled up my pants and walked out, I asked her what she thought it said and we looked at each other agreeing that it said positive. I stood there saying nothing, having no feelings at all, I thought to myself that I should at least feel happy or sad, but I felt nothing. She said I was dealing with it well, I told her it hadn't even sunk in yet. She went to work and I got a lift home with the guy I was seeing as I didn't start till later.
I sat in the car, I so badly wanted to blurt it out, what I was thinking, what I knew and what he didn't. He dropped me off and said that he'd see me later.
I went inside and straight away got out the second pregnancy test. I went to the toilet, did it and waited. Positive again. That was the first time I had felt anything. What I thought was none other than the word 'crap', followed by tears. I sat in my room, weirdly part of me was so happy that I had a baby growing inside me whilst the other part of me was worried and I had a million things running through my head. What will my parents say? What will HE say? What am I going to do? What will I do for university? I haven't got the money to look after a baby, I can't tell my parents, they don't even know I was seeing anyone at all, HE doesn't want any other children, he has two already from a previous relationship.
As I was thinking about all this someone knocked on my door, it was my flatmate, she asked if I was okay, and I said yes. She knew I wasn't because I was still crying, she demanded I open the door and as I did I threw my arms around her and sobbed 'I'm pregnant'. She actually thought I was joking, then as she realised that I wouldn't joke about such a thing, she didn't know what to do. I calmed myself down and got ready for work. I went back and started to feel nothing again. I text HIM and said could he come round later so I could speak to him. He wouldn't let it drop then, he knew something was up, he rang me at work and on my phone, each time I hung up on him after telling him, I couldn't possibly say it over the phone.
After work I got home and he rang again, he asked me the direct question: 'Yes or no, are you pregnant?' I just started to cry and said yes. He was speechless and said he'd come round. When he did, he sat on the edge of my bed and said nothing. I was crying and he had his head in his hands. He then spoke and just uttered the words 'well you know I don't want another, and won't be here enough to support you, but do whatever you want to, I'll be here as much as I can. '
I think I can say, looking back, that was the moment I made my mind up.
He didn't want it, so how on earth was I going to bring it up myself?When we discussed it further he told me that I would have to get an abortion quickly in order to be able to have one in time. I then felt rushed. He wasn't being pushy at all, but I just felt like if I didn't do it quickly I would change my mind.
I went to the doctor's, she was nice, she asked if I was okay. She knew I wasn't but she couldn't tell me what to do. She referred me to a clinic where they took blood samples and did a scan. I hated the clinic. I felt like an animal being shifted from one room to the next and poked and prodded. I felt patronised, like I was a child who was to be told what to do. I left feeling like something you'd stand in.
In between the clinic and the hospital I had horrendous morning sickness. It wasn't just in the morning it was all day. I had to stay in bed until it passed then at night I would get up eat a lot then go back to bed.
My head was all over the place and even silly things like laughing at things with friends turned into me crying. My hormones were everywhere and I didn't know what was happening to me. It felt so real that something was inside me growing, but I felt sad that I was going to kill it.
I can't remember how long it was in between the clinic and the hospital but when I did go to hospital for the first pill that I swallowed I sat there and thought 'pull out now! You want your baby, don't swallow it.' But then I felt stupid like I had wasted everyone's time, the doctors, the clinic and now the hospital staff, so I took it.
I went home, I didn't pass any blood, but I threw up the next day because of yet more morning sickness. I had to tell my mum and dad that I was ill when I went home for the weekend and they believed me. I hated lying to them, but I thought the pain of them knowing would be far worse. When I went back to hospital, it was around 7am. I was the first there. HE dropped me off then left.
They made me put on my comfy clothes and put a sanitary towel on. She put some tablets in my bum for the pain and my vagina. I started to bleed and it felt weird. It felt like my vagina was just letting everything out. I had to use a bed pan when I went to the toilet because the nurses had to check. I went a lot and felt like I was annoying them when I called. I wasn't in much pain but I was uncomfortable. I felt really sick and couldn't make it to the toilet in time so I threw up on my bed. When I called the nurse she said to me did you not think to go to the toilet? She made me feel like I had done something wrong and I felt like I should say sorry to her for her having to change my sheets. I was in hospital for 7 hours. I just sat there by myself behind a curtain and waited. It was awful, they checked me after 7 hours and told me I would have to have some tissue removed by one of the nurses. She came in to do it. This is one of my most painful memories as it was embarrassing and I was ashamed. She told me to wait for another hour, they could then check that I was okay to go home.
When I was checked out, HE came to pick me up. I didn't have much energy and I just wanted to sleep. The nurse had told him to stay with me all night because I may get ill, but he left as he had other things to do. I felt so alone.
I carried on bleeding for about a month and a half afterwards. When I went to the doctor for a check up he made me feel so ashamed of myself.
Whenever I get a period now I hate looking at the blood, it reminds me. When I see babies I feel like they look at me and hate me.
I really wish I had never ever done what I did.
I am now with someone in a serious relationship, who is very kind and thoughtful. He realises what I have been through as he has had a similar experience. However, I still have mood swings, I feel guilty and depressed and only now have I decided I need help. I have just contacted someone for help and hopefully this is the start of me getting through the constant grief I feel.
I hope that no one ever feels the way I did and the advice I would give to anyone considering abortion is to listen to the tiny voice inside your head that's telling you what YOU really want to do.