I know now that no person is ever worth killing your child for

Never think that when a doctor tells you you can't have children that you actually "CANT".

I never thought that I would write this story about myself. I hope if you are thinking of having an abortion and read my story that you know, NOTHING is worth taking your own child's life away and flushing the toilet on it, even your own security and your own well being, because trust me, you will never ever forget that you never gave your little one a chance for you to love it.

I wish my little one would know how much I loved it to let it go. Though I know, nothing in this world was worth taking it's life away. I was incredibly selfish and deserve all the regret and pain I feel now. I just wish I could save another life by writing this.

I am 34 and have been longing for a child all my life. I have been in a long term relationship for 8 years, I was giving unconditionally, but one of the main reasons it never worked and he wouldn't commit to me in an honorable manner was because I couldn't have children dispite the numerous means and ways we tried, but I had been told I had too many complications that it would be an absolute miracle if I ever fell pregnant.

I came out of the relationship to know over a year later he married another woman after 2 months of knowing her then they had a child. I was no good as I was to him barren and not a complete woman.

It completely destroyed me for over a year I didn't find a reason to be alive. I then met a man that I felt was a gift from God for all the hard times I've had, since the first day we met, we never parted. He was honest that he never wanted children and he has none, I was relieved and glad for that (SO MUCH!) as I knew I couldn't anyway, so I thought this was looking good as there was nothing he would need that I couldn't provide and that I could always build a future with him.. only till nature played it's role and 2 months later the miracle happened.

I was late and did a pregnancy test for it to say “PREGNANT”.

My first thought was that the test was broken, when I told him he kicked off and my first reaction was that it can't be right and if it was I would get rid.

He went off to cool down then came and hugged me and said make all the calls, we need it out.

I called Marie Stopes and had it done within the week at 8 weeks, this was exactly a year and one week ago (never got over it). I have dreams of it asking WHY and if it was worth it. I never see a baby without thinking what would mine have looked like. I carry babies of friends then feel guilty as the hugs I'm giving them belongs to my child that I killed.

I know it sounds messed up, but that's what an abortion does to a real woman's head.

I had the abortion at the time for what to me seemed to be the right reasons

My thoughts were: can't be a single mum, don't want it to be rejected by it's Dad, don't want to ruin my boyfriend's life and dreams, I can't take the risk, and don't want to lose it's Dad as I have already fallen in love so deeply for him by then.

He came with me and saw the scan, was there when I went to take the pill, saw me through the pain of losing it, he looked after me a lot and indeed I loved him a lot.

A couple of months later I left my house and city and moved with him to another country to the unknown.

He knew I wanted to get married, but I found out that after all I had done and sacrificed, he was not intending to get married again for 5 years. After all I did and sacrificed, still not enough to commit as it seemed to me that I still had to prove I was worthy (though he denies that's the reason and that he never loved anyone more than me!) where was my brain!

Never abort, I regret it and cry every single day and it never fades, I am still with its Dad now, and still doing all the sacrifices for a glimpse of hope for the best. Just not sure till when.

I know now that NO Person is ever worth killing your child for. Even if he always said he's very grateful you gave him his life back. Yes, you gave him "HIS" life and destroyed and ruined your own LIFE...

I wish I found this website and read other women's stories before I went ahead with the TOP.

Your child is alive from the moment it's conceived (Boy or Girl that's the second it's decided). The first pill kills it, the second pill flushes it out of your system, and that feeling of it leaving the body like a big faeces from the front, that you flush the toilet on, just never leaves you.

And I have to live knowing I flushed the toilet on my baby... for what! Maybe I should've just taken the risk at least I would've lived the true unconditional love to my child.

This story was sent in on 21/01/2012 and it's been viewed 1,853 times.

Editor's comment

It is always sad when someone has an abortion to please another person. I can understand that your partner had come into the relationship knowing it would not lead to children. He felt he had not signed up to that. However, the bottom line is that there is always the possibility of pregnancy in a sexual relationship, and he should have taken responsibility to make sure that did not happen.

I think that post-abortion counselling would help you to make some sense of what you have been through, and process the painful emotions you are feeling.You can follow this link to find a centre for post-abortion support in your area.

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