I was always against abortion

I'm an 18 year old college student. Just extended my degree to bachelors. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We also live together now. My pregnancy was really sudden and very unexpected. I had missed my period but I don't have a regular period anyway so it didn't bother us too much. Weeks had passed and I started getting sickness all the time and my appetite grew. I could smell things from far distances, and I craved everything. That's when we knew we had to go to the doctors to find out if I was pregnant for sure. While I was in the doctors, they told me I was 11 weeks pregnant. I just had no words. Never did I see myself at this age having a kid of my own. So many things ran through my head. My boyfriend is 3 years older then me and had a kid when he was in high school with his ex-girlfriend already So the situation was hard. I knew I wanted to keep it.

I was always against abortion, but I guess when it comes unexpectedly, you have a whole different input on things.

I had just extended my degree, and the art school I go to is very expensive! I'm not really working right now. I knew I just could never provide for a child, also my boyfriend already had one so it'd be harder also when she's still very young. It's a bad situation. The doctor had asked me if I wanted to get an abortion. I said yes. The days. The hours. Every second till the day of my surgery. I was unsure. All I thought about was the baby growing in me. Every time I mentioned it, my boyfriend didn't really want to hear it. I had told him I keep second thinking and want it. But then I think on how I just can't. No work and expensive school. And I know my family would not have ever supported me. They would give me the cold shoulder. I had a surgical abortion one week ago. I would have been 14 weeks today. I know if I every told my mom about this. She'd be ashamed. She's religious and believes no sex before marriage and all that stuff. Heck, I'm ashamed.

I honesty do feel as if I murdered someone.

Like I didn't give my baby the opportunity in life like I got. My parents had me as a mistake. Back then My family didn't go to church and they were going to abort me. But they didn't. And now since the abortion there has not been an hour that's gone by where I don't think, 'I wonder what it was. a boy? a girl?' I know this experience is gonna haunt me forever. My boyfriend yesterday told me in a couple of years we'll try it again and start our own family. I told him no. I don't want to have a family one day. I could have had one now. But I gave it up. I don't think I'll be able to do it again. I'm almost sure this bothers me way more then him. But he's a guy, They don't go through all the hormones and physical stuff like us girls. I'm just glad the abortion didn't hurt and the place I got it done, were there for you every step of the way to make you feel comfortable and make sure you're okay. I didn't feel a thing after the procedure. When I woke up I felt nothing really. Just tired. I didn't remember the procedure at all, and a had cramping a tiny bit. But I no longer felt sick. So I'm at least glad I didn't go through the pain of the procedure that some go through. Maybe one day I will change my mind and decide to have one. Maybe not. I'll see what the future has in store for me. But I told my boyfriend if we do get pregnant again by mistake. I won't have an abortion.

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though this was difficult decision for you and that you would have wanted to keep the pregnancy if your situation had been different. The fact that you have always been against abortion, makes it very hard for you to cope with an experience like this, and you have already decided you would not go through it again. You may find that you need some post abortion support to work through some of these painful emotions. Please contact Care Confidential. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 03/02/2012 and it's been viewed 665 times.

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