I found out I was pregnant in May, two weeks after my boyfriend had set off on a year long trip to travel the world.
Ignoring my pleas for him not to come home, he was on a flight within two days and home within three. He cried, begging me not to take his choice away. It was my fault I was pregnant and so I could not force him into being a father. Within a week of finding out we were sitting together in a clinic. I cried throughout the whole process but not once did anybody ask me if I was sure about what I was doing. I longed for somebody to pick up on the fact it wasn’t what I wanted - why didn’t they realise I wanted my baby? I suppose the fact you're sitting there implies you’re sure about what you want. I wasn’t. I felt like I had been swept along with the whole thing and before I knew it, it was over.
I was left feeling empty. I mourned for my baby but he didn’t. He didn’t understand the grief and pain I felt in my heart afterwards. I tried to make him understand but it just resulted in us arguing. Three days later he returned to Thailand and I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. I was left to deal with the fallout alone. I cry whenever I’m alone. I look at my 4 month old niece and wonder how my baby would have looked. I feel like I’m missing a part of me.
I was seven weeks pregnant but wonder if I caused my baby any pain. I’m not a weak person but I felt unable to tell the world I wanted my baby because everybody thought it wasn’t for the best. I urge anybody who's making this decision to take as much time as possible to realise how you truly feel. It’s you who has to live with the consequences of either choice - not him or your family. I know I made the wrong decision and will have to deal with these feelings for the rest of my life.
Editor’s note: Thank you for telling us your story. I feel for you. You are obviously experiencing great loss and emptiness, confused as to why it all happened when you felt the way you did. You seem isolated and alone in your pain, sentencing yourself to a lifetime of trying to deal with your unhappy feelings. I want you to know you are not alone and there is support available for you that will help you relate to your experience in a better way, enabling you to go through life more positively. Ring the helpline or use Online Advisor to talk to someone who understands and consider visiting your nearest centre for one to one help. We'll be thnking of you.