I was in love with my partner and both couldn't wait for me to get pregnant. I've always dreamed of having a loving family just like mine and couldn't wait to create one since I thought I had found the right person to have it with. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage, I was only over 4 weeks gone. I found it very difficult but it has brought me and my bf very close together.
I felt I was pregnant again right from the start of the pregnancy. I bought hundreds of tests but they were all coming up negative. I was upset until I found out that my fiance was cheating on me with his ex and got her pregnant, she was already 3 months gone.
I got depressed but was very glad that my tests were negative. We tried to be together but there was just no way for me to forgive him I felt so insecure and not long after it turned out that my bf simply no longer was the guy I fell in love with.
And there it was I found a pregnancy test in my room, thought why not let's check again and two straight lines came up.
I didn't know what to do I was upset, angry. There was a little angel inside of me, ,my relationship was in pieces and I didn't want to waste my life with a guy who just kept on letting me down.
I thought, 'it doesn't matter I will keep it I'll be a good mum' but then having told my family about it, they made me see that I was just thinking about myself. They were right I would make it with the baby but what would the baby's life be without a proper family, how would I cope knowing that I could've done better.
After weeks of me crying all night long I decided to have an abortion. I went to clinic for about 8 times cuz was always ending up having a break out when the doctor asked if I was sure of my decision. 'NO I wasn't, I wanted this baby soo much, it was a blessing from God, a little angel but angels are supposed to be in good places'. And that's how it was, a mess in my head I didn't know what would hurt the baby more...
Finally I have had a medical abortion. Went in on Saturday and got one tablet that was meant to stop my pregnancy hormones, then after 48 hrs I went in and had another lot of tablets, that asked me to wait for 30 min to see if the tablets melted in my mouth.
As soon as I walked out of the clinic I felt pain in my abdomen. My brother's gf was driving the car to take me home. I felt sick, I was vomiting, crying and shaking in the 20 min journey. As soon as I got in I ran to the bathroom, I could feel that I was bleeding, tried to take my jeans off but my legs were shaking and there was nothing I could do. I just sat on the bathroom floor, crying, I didn't know what to do.
I heard my mum begging me to open the door but I couldn't move. My dad somehow managed to open it they helped me to get up and take my jeans off. I ran to my bed I grabbed a towel to keep it inbetween my legs. The contractions became very constant and soon after I felt something huge coming out.
I was on my knees with the towel in between my legs huge clots of blood were coming out and I just couldn't stand what I saw.
I started crying soo loud asking God to forgive me. My mum came she told me to go to the bathroom and not to come out until she told me to, she took care of the towel full of clots. I was bleeding like crazy for the next few hours, I had no energy, I couldn't move my legs. I have never seen so much blood in my life, I never expected to see something like this it was just unbelievable.
It only happened yesterday and I just hope I'll be able to get it out of my head. I am disgusted with myself for what I've done but seeing how much support I got from my family keeps on reassuring me that I've done the right thing, because that's the family I would want my baby to have and couldn't provide it with at the time. It is a hard experience and I know it will take time for me to find a way to fall asleep at normal times, but sometimes we're left with such a limited choice that we cannot think of how to cope with it, but how would the baby feel without a daddy, or money or any other reasons that make us have an abortion
I hope my story will help someone make their decision. Medical abortion seems a more natural way of passing the pregnancy. It's very similar to miscarriage and it might make you feel better knowing that the baby wasn't physically torn apart and taken out. It's worth going through the pain that comes with it if you'd consider it as a way of being there emotionally and physically to show the baby that it wasn't easy for you too.
This has been a very difficult experience for you, to find out that your fiance was cheating on you, and then the pregnancy. It sounded as though your heart longed to keep the baby but your head was telling you that your situation would be difficult to raise a child in. It is obviously very early days for you but if you feel you need some outside support there are advisors trained in post abortion support who could help you.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.