A medical termination because of birth defect fears

I am still struggling with a miscarriage and a medical termination approximately ten months apart. I have two children, but have always desired more children. I have a medical condition, and take medications that are known to cause significant birth defects and other developmental issues. I had a routine ultrasound at 7 weeks. My obstetrician did not see any issues, but I honestly felt deep down inside that something was wrong. When I pushed my obstetrician to provide information on termination, he was not happy with the situation. He suggested I consider permanent birth control. It was not the suggestion, but the manner it was made that felt hurtful. I left my doctors office feeling upset, but beginning to accept that I would need to face my fears and believe everything would be okay. For a minute, I began to look forward to experiencing pregnancy and a newborn again. My concerns were much too great and overwhelmed any positive feelings I had even briefly. I still could not convince myself everything was okay. I was in complete panic mode. I proceeded with a medical termination. The actual process was not bad, but everyone's experience is different? The staff was warm and reassuring. However, I stil grieve the loss and wonder if I made the right decision. I feel as though the door is now closed and that my chance to continue our family has now passed me by due to my age and medical concerns. I wish I had seen a neonatologist to monitor the pregnancy and have more information. I am not sure if I panicked or followed my gut feeling. I am grieving one minute and guilty for feeling that perhaps termination was the right decision. I often think about scheduling some appointments with physicians who would better equipped to support my medical issues and monitor any issues so perhaps we can try again.

Editor's Comment

You obviously felt very uneasy about your pregnancy and believed that your medication had affected the developing baby. It is difficult to tell from what you say if these fears were based on medical findings or your own gut reaction. Whatever the reason you are now struggling with the termination that you had, and need some support to come to terms with what has happened. I think that it would be good to address these emotions before you decide to try for another baby. If you are still carrying these difficult feelings it will be hard to be positive about another pregnancy.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 26/02/2012

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