My miscarriage felt like payback for my past mistake.

By anonymous on 08/03/2012
The pain of my abortion 4 years ago is back after having my baby boy 6 months ago. 4 years ago I took the decision to have an abortion which until this day I have personally regreted.
I did eventually seek help through CareConfidential and after a hard 6 months I finally moved on with my life.
3 years later I found out I was having a baby and was totally over the moon it felt like I had been given the opportunity to put things right from my past and I couldn't have been happier. Sadly I lost the baby at 8 weeks which is where things started to creep back to me from my abortion.

It felt like a punishment to lose that little baby that I so desperately wanted

Like payback for my past mistake, and it was hard going trying to keep my head straight and carry on as normal when everyone was saying 'it's nature's way'. I know they were only trying to help but none of them had suffered the loss of a baby. Although it's only a matter of weeks old that bond is instant, your love for that unborn baby is like nothing else I could explain.
However 8 weeks later to my total surprise I was expecting again and my beautiful baby boy was born six months ago.
The problem I now have is the feelings of regret, shame and pain of my abortion are as strong as they ever were.
I love being a mum it is everything I ever thought it would be and more. I have tried to talk to my partner but he can not understand why I would even waste time thinking about it. I have also tried talking to friends but again they think I'm dwelling on the past and not focusing on my future.
I'm not a negative person and I always look for the good in any situation but I just can not shift these feelings. I can only hope I will learn to truely forgive myself for my mistake and somehow move on all over again.

Editor's Comment

I am sorry that you have had such a struggle to move on from your abortion. I think the key was in believing that your miscarriage was in some way punishment for the abortion, and grieving for the baby that you lost took you back into your abortion grief and pain.
It is very common to feel that the miscarriage was a punishment, but totally untrue, and believing a lie like this will take you straight back into the cycle of guilt and shame.
I would strongly advise you to contact the centre where you had your previous post abortion support, and see an advisor again. It may help you to go through a few of The Journey steps again to work this through.
It may feel hard and a backward step at first, but I am sure that working through some of these problems that have come back again is really important. Somehow your miscarriage has become tangled up in the abortion, and it needs to be seperated out so that you can grieve for both your losses.

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