A fetal abnormality meant my baby wouldn't make it to full term

I had a medical abortion at 13 weeks with my second child, this was due to a fetal abnormality. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I think about it every day.

It has now been 6 weeks and I feel guilty for carrying on with my life, it's as if the whole world is just passing me by like nothing ever happened. Some days I feel better but by night I feel I don't deserve to get on with my life.

I never ever thought about abortion in general as it is against my religion, let alone thinking I had to make this choice for my child.

I miss my baby so much

I feel so empty inside, I get such bad mood swings that I break things and start screaming and crying, I feel so lost.

I know everything happens for a reason and it was the right choice coz the doctor said baby wouldn't make it full term. I feel maybe if I looked after myself better then maybe it would be different.

I took a picture of my baby and I look at it every day.

The termination itself was like a small labour which I'm glad for, I felt I gave birth to my baby, the only thing I could do for him as his mother. He was so small and red but formed.

He looked perfect, like he was asleep

By looking at him you could not tell there was something wrong, he looked perfect like he was asleep

I keep thinking if I carried on with the pregnancy maybe things would change. My husband wants to try for another straight away and so do I but we haven't slept together yet as my bleeding has only just stopped, now plus I'm so scared that it might happen again, which I could not deal with it's been so hard.

Even my 3-year-old has been no comfort as I just want to be alone with the thoughts of my lost baby. I love my daughter so much and she needs me, so I get on with my day but inside I feel dead.

I've got no one to talk to, no one understands. I don't want to replace my boy but I would like another baby and I know god will give me one when the time is right, but I'm terrified of trying and falling pregnant again.

I just wish the pain would go away, I count the days since it happened and I count how far gone I would be every week, is this normal?

This story was sent in on 08/03/2012 and it's been viewed 2,456 times.

Editor's comment

It is very hard to terminate a wanted pregnancy for fetal abnormality and I can understand your distress. You are going through a painful grieving process and you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space for the emotions to be expressed.

Everything that you describe is very normal, and although it may feel obsessive at times, it is part of grieving your loss.

There is nothing you could have done in terms of looking after yourself to change the course of what happened at conception, so you should not allow yourself to feel guilty for the abnormality.

Wanting to try again for a baby is also very natural, although I would encourage you to give yourself time to come to terms with your loss.
I think it would help you to talk this through with someone and to have some baby loss support - follow this link to find a centre for baby-loss support in your area.

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