I got an overwhelming sense of depression and then regret what I did and feel worse afterwards

I am 23 years of age and had an abortion one week ago. I was kind of trying to get pregnant but not really so it was unexpected. Originally I was very happy, although I suffer from depression.

I have been with my partner for four years and this was my third abortion I have had to him. I had a hard life growing up and my mother left us a lot. I experienced bullying at school and grew up very poor.

Every time I have gotten pregnant I have gotten severely sick with nausea, vomiting, constipation and have been unable to get out of my bed.

The problem though is that I really wanted my child and tried to be positive about it, but because of my unhappiness and nausea it was too overwhelming for me and I just couldn't see happiness.

I felt I would be stuck, unhappy and end up being a single mum

I still don't know if I'm very happy in my relationship. I told everyone I was having a baby and my partner told his family and friends. We would have had a lot of support but something came over me and I terminated the pregnancy even though a part of me desperately wanted my baby.

I am grieving so much, I have so much regret

I keep imagining if I was still pregnant and wishing I had just held on 'till the sickness went. I feel so empty and regret it so much. I feel like I have nothing to live for now as I was so unhappy before the baby anyway, and it could have brought me so much joy.

I hate lying to everyone saying it was a miscarriage that is the worst. I don't know why this happens to me whenever I get pregnant. I got an overwhelming sense of depression and then I regret what I did and feel worse afterwards.

This story was sent in on 31/03/2012

Editor's comment

It sounds as though your depression gets worse with all the hormonal changes, and then you are unable to make a positive decision, even when you wanted to have your baby.

Once your hormones return to normal you are left with grief and regret that you allowed this to happen.

It would probably help to talk this through with your GP and get some expert help for your depression. It is well recognised that for some women depression gets a lot worse in pregnancy, and there is an antenatal team that specialise in this area. It may also help you to have post-abortion counselling and support available through the centres on this site.

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