A second posting 19 months after the termination.

By anonymous on 04/04/2012
Nineteen months after the termination that killed part of me that I will never get back - some things still feel wrong within. There are lots of events that are not a direct result of that day but I would say that the ricochet effect is very much in place . My family is still not back to what we were but we are getting there slowly.
On my first post, I talked about my partner's infidelity - he is now married and has a baby ( all within 6 months of my termination ) which started my hurt all over again when I found out.
For many reasons, I am now sure that he believed that the baby I was carrying was not his - I have not and would never cheat on anyone, it is not in my nature and I do not lie/cheat. Looking back, apart from having health worries myself at the time,I really do not think I knew what I was doing and I got a lot worse before I got better. The medication I was on post abortion gave me some very strange emotions/ideas which I now appreciate was me trying to process what I was going through, trying to find answers.

It all got very very awful and I went to a very dark place.

My personal story has other unpleasant events too that all added up to me breaking down. I was off work for 4 months before I started to really get a grip on things again.

My Sammy would have been a year old on March 21st this year and the day was not a good one. I have decided that I have to plan ahead in years to come so that I manage things better for my own welfare.
I prayed for forgiveness on the day and spoke to Sammy (as I do most nights) and still feel that he is close to me, he forgives me and that I will meet him again when the time is right. Those are my beliefs, beliefs that I have had for many years - it is just that after the trauma of the termination, my whole being was off of kilt for a many,many months. I have an image of Sammy which grows as he would have grown, in my heart and in my mind.
I am doing an art class as part of my recovery process and hope that one day, I can draw my Sammy from the love that I hold for him and the image that I have given him. Maybe this is how our journey should be for the time being. The pain is still there, I do not feel that it will ever leave me but it has eased and I have learn how to deal with the emotion of my journey.....a journey that will follow and be part of the rest of my life as Sammy is with me every day.

I still do not agree with what my partner and I did and yes, given the chance to change that day, I would grab it with both hands. I was openly called a murderer by Sammy's father but the fact of the matter is, he agreed to the termination and I felt there was no option due to 4 medical facts. There were other issues going on at the time, the main one being that he had already found someone else and was planning to leave me and my two teenage children. The other being that fact that I knew he had been unhappy for a while and when I tried to discuss this with him, it was a waste of time as he clearly was not interested.
Once again, I ask Sammy for forgivness as I type- none of this was his doing but he lives on within me and my love for him will never fade.

Editor's Comment

The process of grieving is often a long one, and difficult to go through when you have regrets and long to put the clock back. It sounds as though you are managing to process some of your painful emotions. I don't know if you have had any help or support as you go through this process, but please speak to an advisor if you still feel there is unfinished issues surrounding your temination. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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