She said if I'd carried on I'd have miscarried anyway

I'm 18 and when I found out I was pregnant to my boyfriend, we decided a baby now wasn't right for us.

I'm young and at uni in my first year and he's in a job he hates so we have no money and live with our parents.

I wouldn't speak about the abortion to my boyfriend or mum (the only two that knew) as I felt ashamed and had bad morning sickness so I had to miss a lot of uni.

My mum was 17 when she had me so she always said about not getting pregnant till you have a house, stable relationship and so on.

It came to the abortion on the second day and I took the tablets as I was 10 week gone.

I found that after the first lot of tablets I was in a lot of pain and had to be given an injection for pain relief and sickness. I soon fell asleep for half an hour after I woke and stood up to go to the toilet a rush of blood came out of me.

The baby fell to the floor and I just stood there looking at it

Head and body and arms and legs. The nurse came and moved me and clean the mess up and then took me for an examination. She said the baby wasn't secure enough and if I'd have carried on with the pregnancy I would have miscarried anyway.

From this I should feel relieved knowing I lost the baby before it was fully developed but why do I feel so bad???

I'm crying everyday, having flash backs of the baby falling to the floor and dreaming about it.

I work one day a week in a children's play centre and I cry at work too. I can't be around the children what's wrong with me?

This story was sent in on 07/04/2012

Editor's comment

What you are describing is not unusual following an abortion even when you felt sure that abortion was the right decision.

The fact that you could not talk about it beforehand and felt ashamed suggests that you may have been struggling with your decision, and perhaps had not been able to talk it through properly to be sure about it.

It must have been very upsetting to see the baby that you passed, and that picture has stayed in your mind and made it harder for you to move on.

It would help you to talk this through and have some post-abortion support so that you can work through some of the emotions you are feeling. You can follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

Other stories about abortion

A 17 year old who had an abortion at 10 weeks


A surgical abortion at 5 weeks and 6 days


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