A letter to my baby girl.
It has taken me a year to write this to you and for that I'm so sorry. On march 20th 2011 I made the decision to say goodbye to you and to have you aborted. It was a decision that was and is so painful for me still and one that wasn't taken lightly.
I was 19 broke and not emotionally stable after losing a close friend in a car crash a month before I conceived you.
When I found out I was pregnant I was scared, worried and excited as I saw it as a nod from my friend that had died.
I told your father hoping he would be as happy as me, but unfortunately he wasn't and told me in no uncertain terms that having you was not an option.
Everything happened so quick and I felt so much resentment knowing that I couldn't have you and have the chance to be your mummy.
The day you went was one of the most upsetting and depressing days of my life and i can remember everything from it.
I lost you through a medical termination so unfortunately I saw you after you came out of me in the hospital bedpan in the toilet.
I cried and cried as I stood there looking at you with blood pouring down my legs knowing what I had done and knowing you were now gone.
I went home on my own back to your father who hadn't even bothered to cook me dinner or anything and he said he couldn't care less that we'd lost you. Looking back now I should have left him and just had you but I was young naeve and not as strong as I am now. He's now gone and I'm left everyday thinking and missing you and feeling like I was robbed of the chance of knowing you and being your mummy.
I felt so guilty for taking you away I've tried to end my life so I can be with you.I still do feel like this and really hope you forgive me because I haven't forgiven myself. Sadly round the time you went, my cousin committed suicide which is why it has taken a while to write to you as I've had to deal with that too. I'm sorry for that, you deserved to be thought of sooner but I suppose I was in denial. I'm hoping you're both up there in heaven looking after each other and not hating me for what I did. I hope in another life I can properly meet you and be your mummy finally.
I love and miss you so much and I'm so sorry
Love you forever your mummy xxx