I chose to get pregnant by my fiance.

By anonymous on 07/06/2012
I chose to get pregnant by my fiance. It was not an accident. I have two children already. He has none and desperately wanted one.
We were childhood friends who reunited after 20 years. He'd shown signs of being moody and volatile before, but was also very affectionate, funny, caring and warm. I overlooked the negative signs. We were getting on well when I decided to get pregnant. He bought me a beautiful ring and I was confident he would be a supportive and hands-on dad.

What I didn't count on was the emotional abuse.

Within weeks after pregnancy we got into a heated argument. I brought up a sensitive topic for me that I wanted help sorting through. He got enraged and started making accusations and calling me names. He called me out of my name. All of this because I wanted clarification on something he'd done a few months back but was too afraid to ask then.
Since then, I notice that we can't talk. He blames me and never wants to talk about anything that seems like a "conflict." With further research, he fits what I have read about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Now I know that my mother also seems to have these traits and it may explain why I tend to choose men with these emotional problems. Nevertheless, I immediately wanted to end the pregnancy after his outburst of rage and the continued stifling conversations.

I feel disappointed in myself for choosing yet another emotionally abusive relationship. I'm disappointed too that I chose to get pregnant and now am aborting a consciously chosen pregnancy. I've had abortions in the past but I reconciled with them and decided I would never have another one, but here I am again. I don't think I will try to get pregnant after this. I am satisfied with my two little girls.

Another point is that I am extremely physically uncomfortable. I get a lot of stomach pains. This coupled with the emotional isolation, makes me feel very depressed. I am angry that I have put myself and my children in this uncomfortable situation.

I am choosing to abort for the last time and choosing to be satisfied as a single mother of two beautiful girls. But I am heart-broken to be in this place.

Editor's Comment

What a sad story. It is tragic that you have found this relationship is not going to work at a time when you feel very vulnerable and needing support. It is sad that you feel abortion is your only option, particularly when you felt you never wanted to go through that again.
There are alternatives and I mention them to make sure that you don't feel trapped in one decision. You could choose to continue the pregnancy and have a brother or sister for your 2 little girls. This would be hard work as a single mum but not impossible.
Alternatively, you could choose to have the baby and place it for adoption. This would also be a difficult choice but it is still a possible option. If you would like to talk to a pregnancy advisor to be sure about the decision you are making, please contact CareConfidential.find a centre for pregnancy choices support in your area.

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