I had an abortion in May 2011. I was 7 weeks & 5 days gone.
I had a medical abortion.
I remember the first day I found out I was pregnant. It was almost as if I sensed it. I was 15 & me & the father no longer had a relationship it was too complicated.
I brought a pregnancy test and did the test as my bestfriend waited outside.
As soon as it turned to positive my heart sunk.I was terrified.
The first thing I did was go to the doctor's to arrange an abortion. It had all happened so fast and I did not know what else to do. Later that day I told the father and he didn't care at all his reply was "well I hope you're getting rid of it".
Soon my abortion was arranged. I did not tell my mum, I told my bestfriend's older sister who had been through it herself when she was 15.
One day I came home from school and packed my things and went to my bestfriend's sister's with my bestfriend. When I got there I told my mum all about it and it broke her heart.
I didn't want my mum to have anything to do with my abortion, I didn't want her involved.My abortion date grew closer and my bestfriend's sister was trying to convince me to keep the baby & told me she would support me all the way. She took me step by step through money arrangements, school arrangments & everything, and I did consider it, but I felt pressured that I would lose my family and my relationships with people like my mum would be ruined.
The day arrived when I had to go hospital for the first part of the abortion. I had a scan but wasn't allowed to see it. That broke my heart.
I went home that night and my bestfriend and her sister were saying it's not too late to back out, you still have a chance to keep this baby, but I had no family support and all the father was worried about was making sure I had an abortion. He didn't care about the pain it would cause.
The next day was the day for the rest of the full abortion. I was in the hospital for 8 hours, the bleeding started and the abortion was now in progress.
I cried and cried but it was too late to go back, it was the worst experience of my life.I even rang my mum to come to the hospital because I couldn't cope anymore, I needed her. . I pushed everyone close to me away. I saw my ex a few times after but he didn't care.
I never spoke about it and I never let it hurt me, I put it off and didn't think about it again until now.
I am in a new relationship and I have managed to open up to my partner about the abortion.
But recently it seems that the guilt and sadness has only just bounced back to me, over a year later I am finding it hard to come to terms with my abortion. I feel regret and guilt and I don't understand why it has taken so long for me to feel this & realise how much it really hurts.
Editor's CommentI can understand your fears about losing your family and relationships, and your boyfriend was continually pushing you towards abortion. You were very young and feeling trapped by your situation. Now your heart feelings are coming to the surface and making you feel sad and guilty. You probably pushed those feelings down until now, but are no longer able to keep them under the surface. I think it would help you to have post abortion counselling, and there is a very good programme called The Journey that can help you to work through some of these painful emotions. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 08/06/2012