All I remember of the day.
I found out I was pregnant with you sitting in my friend's bathroom with 4 pregnancy tests in the sink all showing me that I had you, my baby, inside me. I wanted to cry and scream or shout but I couldn't. I had no emotion.
I was 16. I was no age to understand what was going on. My friend sat with me by her toilet and we sat there for an hour not saying anything, she just cuddled me.
She told me I should tell your father. Hands trembling I called your father, he reacting instantly. 'You can't keep it! It'll ruin both our lives'. Looking back on this statement I remember thinking he's right. I was living in London away from my parents studying at college. I was young and naeve. At first, your father spent alot of time with me.
Firstly we went to the doctor's to get a confirmation that I was pregnant with you. I remember the doctor turning to me after taking my 5th pregnancy test of that week and saying 'congratulations'. It was at that point I started to feel what was happening, that you were inside me. I couldn't take my hands off my belly. Knowing you were there laid inside me. I had a baby inside of me. I had you inside of me.
I didn't tell anyone other than your father and my friend that I was pregnant with you, a decision I've regretted every day since, so I had to go on with my day to day life without letting on what I was going through.
The first appointment I went to was a consultation in the centre of London. Your father came with me, and he was very supportive.
But it was when I saw you on the screen of the ultrasound that I realised I had you inside me.
After seeing you I realised I was having second thoughts. The nurse handed me a photo of you for me to take home, and I have cherished it every day since. I tried voicing thoughts to your father but he was in disagreement. So silenced to my own thoughts I went through with the consultation, not taking my hands off you for one second. The nurse then gave me a date, for when I was supposed to be having the abortion.
Your father was not happy as it was a further two weeks away. But secretly I was happy. I had you for two more weeks. Those two weeks were difficult for me and you, as your father began to grow apart from us. When the day finally approached your father told me he couldn't go with us. He dropped me off at the clinic, and on my own I walked in and checked myself in. I sat there with you for 1 hour waiting for my turn to go upstairs. When the nurse called me through, I felt as if my body had turned to ice, and I was very aware that you were there under my hands. The nurse took me up to a changing room where she asked me to change out of what I was wearing into a blue robe. I was then laid down on a bed. I remember a nurse was trying to speak to me, asking me questions, but I couldn't respond. All I could think was I only had a few minutes left with you and all I wanted was to be left alone. I was wheeled into the operating room where I had an IV put in my left hand. All I remember from then on is falling asleep, and then waking up what felt like 5 seconds after. I woke up in tears. I had no feelings, no thoughts but I couldn't stop crying. The nurse took me through to the recovery room where I was sat in an armchair.
10 weeks you had been with me.
I knew as soon as I was awake I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
I loved you with all my heart. But I ignored my heart and listened to a scared teenager's cries. I now have no contact with your father, he won't even acknowledge me in the street. Your father means very little to me now, as he made me believe that by not having you I would have a better way of life. But my life has been a living hell, waking up with this regret and knowing what could have been, the life I would have had with you. I am now 22. Today is the 22nd of July 2012. 6 years ago today was your due date. Your mom loved you from the moment I had you in my life, and I have, nor will I ever stop loving you. I was scared and young, unaware of the life I should have had with you. There will never be a day when I don't think about you my love. Sleep well.
At 16 you were very young and in a state of numbness and shock trying to come to terms with an unexpected pregnancy. The strength of your partner's reaction pushed you towards the abortion decision. It is very sad that you have had to live with so much grief and regret. I do hope that you have found some help and support through this experience but please contact us if we can put you in touch with help in your area. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.