A medical abortion for foetal abnormality

I had taken the first pill on November 20th 2006, and two days later I returned to the hospital. A nurse showed me to my room. I can still remember it.
There was a girl across the corridor from me screaming, going through the same thing that I would soon be going through.
My decision to terminate was not an easy one. I went for a scan and was told there was an abnormality with the foetus. A nurse came and told me that I could go ahead with the pregnancy and watch my baby die within minutes of being born or it could be stillborn, or terminate. I think that delivering a dead baby or watching it die would have physically and mentally destroyed me so I made the decision to terminate.
So, there I was- in a hospital room with severe stomach cramps. The nurse fetched me a hot water bottle for my stomach and advised me to lie on the bed. As soon as I got onto it, I felt like I had to wee, I didn't even make it off the bed. The same nurse came back and told me that my waters had gone and that it "wouldn't be long now". I went to the loo anyway as I still felt I had to wee and I had just sat down when I suddenly felt sick. I leaned over to the sink, was sick and felt something slide out of me.

I can still to this day remember that feeling.

I knew right away it was the foetus. But because I had to use the loo, there was no time to put the bedpan in to catch it so it landed into the bowl. I pulled the red cord to alert a nurse, who came within five seconds.
I didn't look, I couldn't. But she carried the bedpan out and put a towel over it. Then she came back in and told me the foetus was away for cremation and I had to be examined before I could be discharged. The examination showed that everything had came away, so I was handed a packet of contraceptive pills and discharged.
I tried to resume life with my then one year old son as normal, but it has haunted me ever since. I think about him/her constantly and feel deep regret, I don't think it'll ever go away. I have since had another baby, who is almost 15 months and she has brought a little sunshine back into my life.
The anger which has resulted at this experience, and a miscarriage before my daughter's birth, is now starting to affect my relationship. So much so that I have recently came across one of the CareConfidential leaflets and contacted them to speak to someone about the abortion and miscarriage as I feel I cannot move on until I have eased my grief over two babies I never got to meet.

Editor's Comment

Abortion for foetal abnormality must be very painful to come to terms with. I can understand your feelings of grief and regret, and unresolved grief can deeply affect your life. I am so glad you have found a CareConfidential advisor to help you to walk through this journey of grief, and I do believe there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you.

This story was sent in on 14/09/2012

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