I had a medical abortion on Wednesday
I have been with my partner for 18 months now and both of us already have 3 children each. When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I cried solidly for about a week.
We both sat down and talked it through and decided that it was the right thing to do for us both and for the children we already have.
I went to the hospital on Monday for the 1st stage and surprised myself that I took the first tablet without hesitation. I went home and was fine - was almost relieved and hoped more than anything that it would be over quickly. It had already put a huge strain on our fragile relationship.
Nothing happened - other than period type cramps...until the Tuesday night when I started bleeding.
That's when it hit me.I cried all night - the bleeding was no more than spotting but it brought it home to me what I had done and it was only then I realised that I wanted this baby. But it was too late.
Wednesday was horrific. They inserted the tablets into me and I was told to wait. My partner and I barely spoke all day - staring into space. Nothing happened at all other than quite painful cramps. At about 5pm I started bleeding and they gave me extra drugs to bring it on. That's when the cramps got very intense and I rushed to the toilet.
I didn't want to look but I felt it leave me. And there was my baby. I don't think I'll ever get over how empty and lost and alone I felt at that moment. I was exhausted and just sobbed and sobbed.
I felt this urge to protect it and when the nurse came in to examine the bedpan I just wanted to scream at her not to take it away. The feeling that I had done that to my baby and they were just going to take it away from me is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it will haunt me forever. 4 days on and I am still bleeding. This morning I passed a pretty big clot that has eased the bleeding and the cramps. I'm hoping once the bleeding has stopped I can try and piece my life back together again because at the moment I am wracked with guilt and an emptiness that I don't think will ever leave me. My advice to anyone would be to make sure they are 100% because nothing could ever prepare me for how I feel right now.
Editor's CommentI have heard a number of accounts in which a woman's true feelings have not been clear until after they have taken the first tablet of the medical abortion. This is very distressing as at this stage it is recommended to complete the medical abortion.
I think that our heads often dominate the decision making process, but once the reality of what is happening is obvious, our hearts can emerge with different feelings. This is why it is often so helpful to have pre abortion counselling to be sure of the decision you are making. You may feel that you need some more help and support as you try to come to terms with what has happened to you. You can call the national helpline 0800 028 2228, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 16/09/2012