I had a surgical abortion 4 days ago

I had a surgical abortion 4 days ago, at 6 weeks pregnant and I feel utterly devastated. I've been with my partner for 2 1/2 years but had just recently decided we needed to take a break from one another which is when I found out I was pregnant.
My first reaction was shock and that I couldn't possibly go through with it as there were too many insecurities at play. I already have 2 children as does he. Within 10 days of finding out I was pregnant I had an appt for a consultation and termination at bpas. For those 10 days I felt terribly nauseous and ill and couldn't wait for it to be over so I could feel 'normal' again.
I went in on Monday and was there all day for my consultation and procedure.

I have so many regrets....

I wish someone had told me the kinds of feelings I may experience afterwards....I wish I'd had the termination on another day to give me time to think it over. Ultimately I am devastated by my decision and would do anything to turn back the clock. I want my baby back and can't stop crying. My 2 kids don't know what's wrong with me and must surely be worried. I can't believe I'm the kind of person who could have done such a thing, I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
I don't think I will ever forgive myself for what I have done, and I will certainly never forget every moment of that dreadful day.
I hope one day I may find peace, but right now, my heart is broken and I would never have done it, had I any idea of how I feel now.

Editor's Comment

Nothing can prepare you for this experience as it is way outside the range of normal experience. I am not surprised that for some women it comes as a shock and feels overwhelming. Sometimes if you already have children it is harder because you have had a normal pregnancy in the past. I do believe that you can work through these painful emotions and find the peace you are looking for. There is a post abortion recovery programme called **The Journey** that has helped many women through post abortion difficulties. Please contact CareConfidential to get the help you need. You can call the national helpline 0800 028 2228, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

This story was sent in on 19/10/2012

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