My instant thought was to have an abortion
I'm 21 years old and I had a medical abortion almost 4 weeks ago at 14 weeks pregnant. I had been on the contraceptive pill since I started going out with my current boyfriend almost 2 years ago. I admit that there were days I took my pill a few hours late, there was also a time I took anti-biotics or was sick on nights out, all of which can make the pill less effective.
My period was never regular, and at the time I just didn't feel right. I felt sickly on a morning and I gained almost a stone in weight. After missing a period in August I took a pregnancy test which instantly told me I was pregnant. I was absolutely gutted.
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All my life I had wanted everything to happen in a certain way, move out, get engaged, get married, plan for a baby. It was all happening wrong. I rang my boyfriend and just cried until he came to collect me from work. My instant thought was to have an abortion and I remember saying "I just need it out of me as soon as possible".
Going back to work the next day, I found out a work friend of mine was also pregnant, she was keeping her baby. This got me thinking and made me totally confused.
Would I regret an abortion? Is this really what I wanted?
I booked an appointment with my GP who referred me to a counsellor - I never went to my appointment. I didn't want a stranger telling me what to do what not to do. I decided on an abortion. My mam and boyfriend told me they would both be there for me no matter what my decision was.
I had just got my first full-time job and felt like I'd finally got the break I'd been waiting for. I was getting through my driving lessons, I and my boyfriend each live with our parents - I just felt so young. There's no way we were ready for a baby together, especially financially.
After a few GP visits and a visit at the hospital I had an ultrasound and found out I was 13 and a half weeks pregnant - a lot more than anyone had thought I was which was a massive shock. My abortion was booked for a few days later.
I never got to see my scan picture and it broke my heart
The day of the abortion was a bit of a blur, a lot of pain and bleeding. I do remember the time I gave birth to my baby. I was alone and my baby was left in a paper bowl. I never even shed a tear at the time, I was on strong painkillers and it didn't seem real.
It happened pretty quickly and was pain-free but it's a memory that will stay in my mind forever, thinking about it now it hurts so bad. Without looking, I had to carry the bowl with my baby into a separate room and write my name on. It was absolutely awful.
The next few days that passed were also a massive blur, a lot more tears and I didn't want to eat. My breasts swelled so big and were so so painful and leaking breast milk. I had to go back to work and pretend everything was okay. Every day I have to face my pregnant friend and be happy for her.
One month on and I don't think I'll ever know if I made the right choice. I imagine what I would be doing now if I had made a different decision. I know if I had chosen to keep my baby it would have been a happy time. But I also think that for my current situation and being this young I made the right choice. It's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, and in the future when I can have children, I think I will still always wonder what my firstborn would have been like.
It's a massively emotional time, I'm very lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend because my mood swings are horrific.
Every girl has the right to make their own choice when it comes to having a baby, although I think it's an impossible choice to make and no matter which one you chose you will always wonder what would have happened if you had done something differently. I will have my baby one day and I will love it and be able to provide for it as a Mother should.