My instant thought was to have an abortion

By anonymous on 18/10/2012
medical abortion abortion 14 weeks

I'm 21 years old and I had a medical abortion almost 4 weeks ago at 14 weeks pregnant. I had been on the contraceptive pill since I started going out with my current boyfriend almost 2 years ago. I admit that there were days I took my pill a few hours late, there was also a time I took anti-biotics or was sick on nights out, all of which can make the pill less effective.

My period was never regular, and at the time I just didn't feel right. I felt sickly on a morning and I gained almost a stone in weight. After missing a period in August I took a pregnancy test which instantly told me I was pregnant. I was absolutely gutted.

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All my life I had wanted everything to happen in a certain way, move out, get engaged, get married, plan for a baby. It was all happening wrong. I rang my boyfriend and just cried until he came to collect me from work. My instant thought was to have an abortion and I remember saying "I just need it out of me as soon as possible".

Going back to work the next day, I found out a work friend of mine was also pregnant, she was keeping her baby. This got me thinking and made me totally confused.

Would I regret an abortion? Is this really what I wanted?

I booked an appointment with my GP who referred me to a counsellor - I never went to my appointment. I didn't want a stranger telling me what to do what not to do. I decided on an abortion. My mam and boyfriend told me they would both be there for me no matter what my decision was.

I had just got my first full-time job and felt like I'd finally got the break I'd been waiting for. I was getting through my driving lessons, I and my boyfriend each live with our parents - I just felt so young. There's no way we were ready for a baby together, especially financially.

After a few GP visits and a visit at the hospital I had an ultrasound and found out I was 13 and a half weeks pregnant - a lot more than anyone had thought I was which was a massive shock. My abortion was booked for a few days later.

I never got to see my scan picture and it broke my heart

The day of the abortion was a bit of a blur, a lot of pain and bleeding. I do remember the time I gave birth to my baby. I was alone and my baby was left in a paper bowl. I never even shed a tear at the time, I was on strong painkillers and it didn't seem real.

It happened pretty quickly and was pain-free but it's a memory that will stay in my mind forever, thinking about it now it hurts so bad. Without looking, I had to carry the bowl with my baby into a separate room and write my name on. It was absolutely awful.

The next few days that passed were also a massive blur, a lot more tears and I didn't want to eat. My breasts swelled so big and were so so painful and leaking breast milk. I had to go back to work and pretend everything was okay. Every day I have to face my pregnant friend and be happy for her.

One month on and I don't think I'll ever know if I made the right choice. I imagine what I would be doing now if I had made a different decision. I know if I had chosen to keep my baby it would have been a happy time. But I also think that for my current situation and being this young I made the right choice. It's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, and in the future when I can have children, I think I will still always wonder what my firstborn would have been like.

It's a massively emotional time, I'm very lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend because my mood swings are horrific.

Every girl has the right to make their own choice when it comes to having a baby, although I think it's an impossible choice to make and no matter which one you chose you will always wonder what would have happened if you had done something differently. I will have my baby one day and I will love it and be able to provide for it as a Mother should.

Editor's comment

It is probably the biggest decision anyone will ever have to make, so it is not surprising that you found it difficult, and still question whether it was right, or what it would have been like if you had chosen to continue the pregnancy. It sounds as though your mind is telling you that it was the best option given your situation, but your heart longs for a different choice. I know that you did not want to talk to a stranger about your decision, but if you think that post-abortion aftercare would help you please contact a centre for post-abortion support near you.

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