I thought I would lose him so I had an abortion

I don't know where to start without crying and I've done enough of that today already, so I'll keep this brief and hopefully painless as it can be.
Myself and my partner were having issues when I found out I was pregnant, we'd had nasty physical fights together resulting in me getting a black eye.
I left to stay with a my friend Laura, she was really good, she just left me to it to think things over. I had asked my partner before the fight happened what he thought of me being pregnant.

He didn't want it.

He said it was the wrong time and now, along with my black eye, knowing that, I didn't know what to think. I felt so lost and panicked. Everything had been volatile with my partner and my family when we had our first son, and everything got to me. I don't know if it was post natal depression, or a mixture of the two, but I'd never felt so lost and so dark in all my life. I comfort ate and then made myself sick. I couldn't think straight, I could barely breathe at times from it. But worse I couldn't cope with my son, I functioned still and everything got done that he needed but I remained unwashed, unhappy and full of rage that I spat out at everyone.

I so desperately didn't want to feel that lost again.

Knowing that my partner didn't want our child how would this time be any different? I thought I would lose him completely from the stress of what was bound to happen if I kept our child, so I had it aborted.
Our relationship is still not right. He leaves, quite early most days and doesn't come back till our son is in bed or later.
If he's not out he's asleep most of the day and I don't leave the house.
I live so far away from everyone I know and I'm falling again into misery, knowing the only one to suffer now will be my son. I can't handle the truth, I can't bring myself to think of it. I hate abortion, I've been against it all my life and see it as murder but I panicked and I did it, and for what? I can't live with myself. I killed my child because I was weak.

Editor's Comment

You sound very low and I am concerned that this abortion has been so painful for you. You need to face the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. **It is never OK for your boyfriend to hit you** however heated your arguement was, and it sounds as though he is still treating you badly emotionally and psychologically. You need to talk to someone about this situation and get some post abortion support because you sound depressed, and as you say your son is likely to suffer because of this. CareConfidential are ready to help and support you. You have to have courage to make contact so that we can get you in touch with the help you need. If it is hard for you to talk to someone please contact us through Online advisor. It is a confidential protected site.

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