I still regret the decision I made

I remember when I found out that I was pregnant....it was May 17 2012. My husband and I already had three boys but I was still excited.
When I found out I knew my husband would be mad because he made it clear that he didn't want any more children at least not yet, because our youngest just turned one a week before we found out I was pregnant.
So I began to find out information on abortions and made an appointment at a local abortion clinic. I was about 6 weeks along on the day of my appointment. I went alone because my husband stayed at home to watch our other children.
I cried while I was driving there. I kept hoping that my husband would call or text me to tell me that he changed his mind and that we could keep the baby. While sitting in the waiting room waiting for my turn, I still kept hoping he'd call and say to come back home and that we'll work it out.

After everything was done I knew instantly that I had made a mistake but I knew there was nothing I could do.

I cried the whole way home and hope that the first part would be ineffective and that I would still be pregnant.(I had a nonsurgical abortion).
I returned home and went on like nothing happened. A couple of days later I had to insert the pills they gave me to finish the abortion.
I cried that whole night and woke up early in the morning in pain. It was the worst pain ever and I told myself that was my punishment for having an abortion. It's now almost five months later and I still regret the decision that I made. Deep inside I want a baby, I feel as if I need to replace the baby that I aborted. Most days I'm fine but there's still times when I cry thinking about what I did and I know I will never get over it. I feel as if this was the worst thing that I've ever done or ever will do.
I hope it gets better but I don't think so. I know it will probably be hard for me the day that my baby's due date would have been. I just hope it gets better....

Editor's Comment

This must have been very painful for you knowing that you would have continued the pregnancy if your husband had changed his mind. It sounds as though your decision was based on maintaining your relationship with your husband and that is very understandable. Now it is hard for you to reconcile your grief with keeping your family stable. I do think it would help you to have some post abortion counselling if you are still struggling after 5 months. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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