Abortion of a much wanted baby for fetal abnormality

My baby would have been due 19th of this month (February). I went for my 12 week scan August last year as I did with my little girl. I knew there was something wrong even before I had got to the hospital. As you do, I lay on the bed while they put the scan on the tv in front of you. You could see my baby moving around its little heart beat going. As soon as I had two or three people having to look at the scan I knew something was wrong. I got told my baby had no top of the skull (which has to be formed by 12 weeks). I had two more scans after this all confirming the same thing. They sat me down in a little room with my partner and told us the options that we had. It was either continue with the pregnancy and your baby will come out still born or live for hours if not minutes or have an abortion . I knew what I had to do for me, my partner our little girl but most of all for the little baby inside me. On the 22nd of August 2012 I put my baby to sleep, a much wanted baby. The pain I have gone through in my head is unreal, the guilt I live with every day is unreal. I had the 'why my baby why me I have done nothing to anybody'. When I went back to the consultant in October she put my mind at ease a little, my baby would have been in so much pain and even to live for seconds in that pain would have been unbearable. I found out it had nothing to do with me, just pot luck. I was chosen to be the one in 1200. Chances of it happening again are higher now one in 100 but we will be trying again. We already have a beautiful little girl who I had a great pregnancy with. I have found it hard to find people who have been through the same thing, even if there are different reasons for an abortion. It is still a loss. Nurse told me, 'losing a baby at 4 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant is still a loss of a baby, wanted or unwanted.' I could never agree more. My baby that never lived will never be forgotten I will always live with the pain. Some people might not have made the same choice but this was the right one for my family.

Editor's Comment

A very sad story. You should not feel guilty. You did what you felt was right and did not want your unborn baby to suffer. Whatever decision another person in this position would have made, no one can judge you for what you felt was right. I am sure you are still going through a grieving process for your baby, but in time the pain will lessen. If you would like to talk to an advisor about this please call the national helpline.

This story was sent in on 05/02/2013

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