A painful anniversary of an abortion 3 years ago

Three years ago this month, I allowed someone to pull my baby from my womb. What I agreed to that day has haunted me every single day since. It has affected my life and my relationships and as the anniversary draws closer, the familiar feeling of dread creeps in and it's daft because its been three years and the anniversary will pass just as any other day has done in the last three years.

It doesn't feel like its been three years, it still feels like it was yesterday. The painful memories are still at the very forefront of my mind. My boyfriend, Rob left me straight after I had the abortion. And to be fair I think if he hadn't we'd have grown apart anyway because I still haven't forgiven him for what he made me do.
I found out a few weeks ago that he's getting married this year. I wonder if I ever cross his mind? If our baby every crosses his mind? I doubt it.

When Rob left me on my own straight after, I didn't know how I would ever feel normal ever again. But I did slowly feel normality creep back in and even though I fell in love again, the memories from 20th February 2010 would haunt me and eventually drove a wedge between me and my new partner.

Last year I saw Rob had published his story on here, that broke my heart. What right did he have to grieve for our baby when he was happy in his life? Then I realised how selfish I was being.
We never saw our baby but she was still there.

I don't know if I miss Rob anymore. I miss our baby. You'd think three years on I'd be getting on ok but I'm not and I don't know if I ever will be able to get on with life the way I was doing before all this happened.

Here's a poem I wrote got our baby.

Your tiny heart stopped beating,
3 years ago today.
My beautiful little angel,
you were so quickly called away.

My heart will always remember
The baby I was loaned
The one who grew inside me
Until she was called home.

You are always in my heart,
My previous little one.
I miss you each and every day.
I'll always be your Mum.

One day we'll be together,
My baby girl and me
And what a celebration
That glorious day will be.

Editor's Comment

It is very difficult to live with the pain of this deep regret. I don't think that anyone should make this decision based on pressure from someone else, and it is not unusual for relationships to end after such an experience.

Please contact the helpline if you would like some post abortion support. Many women receive help years after their abortion and find that it helps to process their emotions.

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