2 days ago I had a Medical Abortion on the NHS at 15+6 weeks.
I am a career women of advanced maternal age (36). Just because I am this age does not mean that: A: I am ready to have children or B: Be financially or emotionally settled. To sum up my statement, planned pregnancy, control freak partner, scary partner, could not bring a new life into the situation....
I was going to post the passage from my journal about my feelings from before the abortion, but they are so seething and upsetting, I didn't want to hurt anyone on here with these. If anyone wishes to read them, I will do a follow up post. So here goes....
Part 1: I went to the local Hospital to take my first tablet after a 2 week wait (which felt like a life time). They were wonderful and explained everything to me. I took the tablet without hesitation with some water and left. I did not feel sick. Only tired. I was tired as I had had the worst few months of my life and the tiredness came from 'pretending' I was ok. I slept. All that day and the following day. I had no pain and no bleeding.
Part 2: I arrived at the day ward and tried to keep all the horror stories I had read out of my head. I decided that positive was the best way forwards. At 9am on the dot the pessaries were inserted by the nurse, who was wonderful and calming. The ward had 4 ladies on. Some brought a friend some didn't (I didn't). I had to lay down for 30 minutes. I didn't feel anything. No sickness,no pain, so I read some magazines and had some food.
About 2 hours into this I felt some very mild period like cramps. I suffer from heavy periods and this pain was mild. Again, no sickness. I just kept feeling a little chilly. By this point one of the ladies was in agony. She had to have pethidine. She was sick. I had 2 paracetamols and some ibuprofen. There was no bleeding.
An hour after this (3 hours into treatment) I had the second dose of pessaries. I was hoping that this would work as I was becoming a little upset as the girl on the ward was now screaming in pain. An hour after the insertion of the second dose of pessaries the cramps started thick and fast. I found walking around helped a little, and I just paced up and down. I didn't feel sick, I just had a bit of gas. I felt a little cold and then a little warm, but nothing too dramatic. I also had to ask for some codeine.
I was now 5 hours into the treatment and the pains felt like contractions. I just breathed them through. I found crouching down and also leaning over the bed helped when they came. They came every 10 seconds or so. The pain was a massive pressure in my lower part of my uterus. It was pulling and full feeling. It was worse than my normal period pains, but nothing I couldn't handle. I also started to get a pain in my back.
After the back pain started the pain peaked and I felt a very quick 'popping' sensation down below. It felt like bubbles and then a pop. It felt very wet and very warm. My waters had broken. I rushed to the nurse and she led me to a toilet. I was upset at this point and crying. I had never felt anything like this before as I have no other children. I emptied the rest of my waters on the toilet in a cardboard container. The nurse was with me. I was crying and the pain stopped after my waters broke. She comforted me. I felt silly crying at my age. The relief from pain when my waters broke was welcomed.
She checked to see what I had passed, and then I lent forward.
I felt my baby slide out of me.It was very quick and utterly devastating. I started to cry and say sorry, and curse the man who made me do this. I was not in control of my emotions anymore and this showed that I am human and I do have feelings even though I had to shelve them away. The nurse broke the umbilical cord very gently with her finger and thumb. The passing did not hurt. The baby felt about the size of a lemon. I was overcome at this point as to what had just happened. I never had doubts about the abortion, but I had always wanted to be a mother. Just not in the place I was in...
I sat for a few minutes and the nurse left me alone to clean up and gather my thoughts and tears. I hadn't passed the placenta. At this late stage the placenta is a large size. The nurse covered everything and I did not see the baby or the tissue. That would have destroyed me. What is visually in my head about how my baby looked is enough right now.
They gave me a fresh pad and I went back to the ward for 30 minutes. I was bleeding quite heavily. This was due to my late stage abortion and the fact that my cervix was dilated quite a lot. My uterus was also of a large size. I laid down and I had little cramps. After half an hour the nurses came back. I had to go for an examination and the removal of the placenta.
This was very painful. They have to wipe out your cervix with gauze for clots and tissue. They use mini forceps and a contraption similar to what you have inside you when you have a smear. They had located the placenta and I pushed. I felt the placenta come out. It felt rough, not smooth and very large. I was losing a fair bit of blood and the examination was very painful. I was crying at everything I had been though. The nurses were wonderful, and really calmed me down.
I had to wait another 30 minutes and my bleeding had still not calmed down. I was kept in over night on the next ward. I was tired and in pain and battered and bruised both physically and emotionally. At night every time I went to the bathroom I had to use a cardboard container as they have to monitor the bleeding. I bled a lot as I am borderline anaemic and I was nearly 16 weeks gestation.
I was discharged the following morning. I am still bleeding like a normal period and having to change my pad every 4 hours or so. I am not soaking through, and when I sit on the loo I pass 1 small clot each time. The pain is now like regular period pains which can be managed by painkillers and a hot water bottle.
The later term you are the more bleeding you will have.Also you have to go through the process of having your waters break quite dramatically and you can also feel the passing of your foetus/baby. This expulsion is quite a graphic feeling. You also have to have the placenta removed from you.
I never want to experience this again. This is not an easy way out. It is painful, upsetting and graphically messy. You are giving birth for nothing at the end. This was the right choice for me, but please remember, the later you are, the more you can feel your baby leave your body. **I feel relief, but I also feel sorrow, bereft**...I want a child, but not with the creature that my ex began to be. I would love to bring a child into this world that is loved and wanted. This Angel will have wings and fly and come back to me when we are both ready to be together.
Editor's CommentYou have given us a detailed and honest description of your experience. We often don't know why a woman has chosen abortion, but from most of the stories posted it is a painful and difficult decision. No person has the right to judge another for the decision they feel they have had to make.
I hope that you are recovering and that you will call CareConfidential if you need post abortion support.