I didn't want to get rid of my baby because it went against all my values and beliefs.

By anonymous on 13/02/2013
It was on my 18th birthday that I found out I was pregnant. It was the worst day of my life. I didn't have a clue what to do. I felt like I couldn't have kept it because I would have ruined my career and I wouldn't have been able to go to the college I am at now, I worked my hardest to go there and gained a scholarship there so I felt I couldn't turn down my place.
I didn't want to get rid of it either. I spent most of my birthday by myself crying when I should have been revising for my a level exam the following day. **I didn't want to get rid of my baby because it went against all my values and beliefs.** I always told myself that if I got pregnant I would keep the baby. However, when I saw the pregnancy test was positive the first thought that came into my mind was to get rid of it. I had never felt so selfish in my life.

My boyfriend of 5 years was with me when I found out I was pregnant and he was very supportive. He wanted me to keep it too but we knew that it would be best for us to terminate the pregnancy.

We made our decision almost immediately and I already had the phone in my hand looking for the number of the nearest abortion clinic. We booked the date to go. It took over a week to get a date and that week was the hardest week of my life. I kept questioning myself as to whether I had made the right decision. I didn't tell anyone about it either, not even my mum knew. I didn't have the confidence to talk to her. I was worried of what she might say and I thought she would have told me to get an abortion straight away. I thought she would be disappointed in me too.

The time came for me to have my abortion and all I wanted to do was run away from the clinic when we arrived because I really didn't want to go ahead with my decision, but I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do.
I had the abortion in the form of the pill. It was very painful for me and I bled very heavily during the night. My bleeding had soaked me, my boyfriend and went right through to the mattress. My boyfriend was the one who realised and had to wake me up. It was extremely embarrassing and upsetting.

Eventually I told my mum when she found me crying on my bed one evening and to my relief she was very supportive about it on the day. However, since that day we haven't spoken about it. It has made things a little worse for me as I feel I need to have someone to talk to at the moment.

It's now 7 months on from when I had the abortion. I still find it difficult to cope with what I did.

I have many regrets for what I did and feel very selfish.

But I know what I did was for the best. At the moment I feel very down about it because it is around the time that my little angel would have been born. I try my hardest not to get upset about it but sometimes you do need to have a cry about it. Don't feel like you can't cry either. Everyone has the right to be upset and have different emotions.

I haven't had the confidence to get myself any help yet but I am now starting to find ways of getting help. I want to start counselling very soon and hopefully that will make me feel better. I have learnt that if you feel down, talk to someone because it does help. Don't suffer by yourself. I know that I'm not alone and I can if I want to talk to my boyfriend, friends or family about it. With my confidence growing I am now ready to talk to a counsellor so that is my next step.

I know that what I did has made me a stronger person and it has made me look at things differently but everyday I miss what I could have had and I do feel upset. However, one positive thing that has come out of this is that I know I have an angel watching over me at all times. My angel is my little baby. He or she will never be forgotten and even though I didn't meet my angel he or she will always have a special place in my heart.

Editor's Comment

It is very hard when your circumstances are telling you to do one thing and your values and beliefs go against that decision. It's as though there is a battle going on between the two and you are left feeling regret at the decision you made.
I am glad you are beginning to feel stronger and I'm sure post abortion counselling will help you to process some of the painful emotions you are feeling.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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