I found I was pregnant when I was 17, in 1979.

I found I was pregnant when I was 17, in 1979. It had been drummed into my head by my control freak mother, who was not a wanted child (and didn’t want me either), that I should not have children. So I had a late abortion, in a British NHS hospital without telling anyone. They put me in a ward with ladies who desperately wanted kids and they were so kind to me, a silly girl. Now I’m 45, married to a selfish man who would not let me have children although he has a son himself. What I would like to say is that I made my choice back then. If I could go back and reconsider then I would still do the same thing. Perhaps I was never meant to be a mother! I sponsor a little girl in India, and wish I had a daughter... Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story. The first thing I notice about what you’ve written is how you might feel your life has been lived for you – firstly by your mother and secondly by your husband. I sense you may be angry and hurt about it all. The second thing I notice is how you are possibly feeling contempt for that 17 year old ‘silly girl’. You remember the kindness of strangers on that hospital ward - perhaps it would help if you were kind to that young scared girl too. She needs your compassion. The third thing I notice is how your head is saying you would go back and make the same choice but your heart is saying, ‘I wish I had a daughter’. You may be feeling a sense of emptiness, regret, longing, sadness and anger, perhaps even some shame. All these things emerge with long-held pain and I feel that some counselling support, if you don’t already have any, would help you become more of who you really are. We'll be thinking of you.

This story was sent in on 18/08/2007

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