I found I was pregnant when I was 17, in 1979.
I found I was pregnant when I was 17, in 1979. It had been drummed into my head by my control freak mother, who was not a wanted child (and didn’t want me either), that I should not have children. So I had a late abortion, in a British NHS hospital without telling anyone. They put me in a ward with ladies who desperately wanted kids and they were so kind to me, a silly girl.
Now I’m 45, married to a selfish man who would not let me have children although he has a son himself. What I would like to say is that I made my choice back then. If I could go back and reconsider then I would still do the same thing. Perhaps I was never meant to be a mother! I sponsor a little girl in India, and wish I had a daughter...
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story. The first thing I notice about what you’ve written is how you might feel your life has been lived for you – firstly by your mother and secondly by your husband. I sense you may be angry and hurt about it all.
The second thing I notice is how you are possibly feeling contempt for that 17 year old ‘silly girl’. You remember the kindness of strangers on that hospital ward - perhaps it would help if you were kind to that young scared girl too. She needs your compassion.
The third thing I notice is how your head is saying you would go back and make the same choice but your heart is saying, ‘I wish I had a daughter’. You may be feeling a sense of emptiness, regret, longing, sadness and anger, perhaps even some shame. All these things emerge with long-held pain and I feel that some counselling support, if you don’t already have any, would help you become more of who you really are. We'll be thinking of you.