What was I thinking?

By anonymous on 31/05/2013
What was I thinking?

I'm 25, I have an 8yr old son, and 3yr old daughter. Two days ago I made the most unforgivable decision....I murdered my 12 week old unborn beautiful, innocent unborn child. This is more than your typical after abortion guilt. The pain I feel is coming from a place I have never felt. I've lost love ones, that hurts, but the feeling you get when you realise someone you should have protected with your life was sacrificed for your own benefit.

I have always been a vocal person when it comes to abortion...my answer was simple...MURDER... then why when it came to my own life crisis did I allow myself to go throw with it.

I grew up with a single mother

She raised myself and two siblings all alone, I watched her struggle and still to this day I don't see happiness in her life.

My whole life I've been scared of being a single parent.

I became single only weeks after finding out I was pregnant with my third child.

Both my friends think abortion is ok and an easy option, both I've talk to after their abortion and they seemed fine....

So with the fear of been single with 3 children and on benefits, I decided on behalf of my innocent, unborn child to take their right away to be born ( as I type these words on the screen, the pain inside my heart feels like its going to rip open my chest).

When I went to the clinic I was under the impression I was only around 6 weeks so hey it's ok to get my child sucked out of me. I went in with the doctor while he done a scan, and surprise surprise its a health 12 WEEK old baby in there growing....

as I waited in the sitting room I sobbed....

I bloody sobbed....why the hell didn't I run for the hills. I then got lead into the theatre room, a needle got put in my hand.....and I was think stop it now, get up run...get out....save your baby.....save your baby....save your baby....tears rolled down my face.....next thing I'm waking up...

I now lay here chocking on tears next to my daughter while she sleeps soundly......what have I done....I killed MY own child....the child my womb was blessed with.....no child is a mistake my mum quotes from the bible.....I talked myself into doing it by saying I'm doing the baby a favour because now my child gets to go straight to heaven....but its wrong.....it was never my decision to make.

I know that before god I will stand one day, and that will be the day I will receive my punishment I deserve...until then I must display happiness to my children.....and not show the immense
PAIN GUILT SHAME I will carry for a lifetime.

To my unborn precious gift from god....I love you with all my heart, when I killed you I killed a piece of myself....I wish I could hold you...kiss you...give you your first bath.....but I took that privilege for granted. If it wasn't for my two babies on earth I would risk going to hell just to try and come say sorry.

Love forever your undeserving mother xxxxxx

Editor's Comment

Your extreme distress is very apparent and I can see that you were torn between your beliefs about abortion, and the fear of being a single mother raising 3 children like your own mother had to do.
Your friends had been through abortion and found it an easy option, so that must have influenced you as well. I am so sorry that you are suffering, and feeling that this decision was not right for you. Please contact Careconfidential You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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