I had an abortion at 20 weeks

By anonymous on 05/06/2013
I found out I was pregnant at the start of last summer when I was 15 and just broken up with my partner. I had put on a lot of weight and I saw marks on my skin which later I found out were stretchmarks. When I did the test I was around 13 weeks pregnant. I had no morning sickness, and honestly I felt normal.

When my test came back up positive, I felt nothing.

I just stared at it. I thought "am I supposed to cry? Scream?" I didn't understand why I didn't feel anything. It was my lunch break when I did the test so by the time I had got home later, the news had finally sunk in, I had a baby growing inside of me. Honestly at first, I thought I was going to keep the baby whether it meant never speaking to my dad again or getting chucked out. That first night I made a dream up about having the baby. I thought "is it going to be a boy or a girl? What names do I like? We can work things out, get back together, He can get a job and we can all live in a house together. I am going to make this work!" ... But at the back of my mind I knew I was living in a dream world.

A week later, my ex boyfriend text me asking to meet, I went along knowing that I had to tell him. When we met, he tried it on with me and I just shook him off. Then he tried kissing me and feeling me and I pushed him off. "What's up?" he asked, and at that moment the reality kicked in. I started crying and got out "I'm pregnant". He didn't run off like I expected, he said, "I can't look after myself never mind you and a baby. What do you think? What about the future?" And immediately without thinking I said, "I'm going to get an abortion." He agreed and the last thing he said was "I promise I'm going to be here for you throughout this, I will see you at the doctors tomorrow at 7,promise"
He never turned up.

I went through with the abortion a month later at around 20 weeks, nobody knew except him. I didn't hear from him all summer. The day of the abortion feels like one big blur, it hurts me to think about it. I just remember waking up, and crying, I couldn't stop. Not because I was in pain, I was just lonely and wanted somebody to come and tell me that everything is going to be okay. The one person I wanted there was him, he promised and he broke that promise.

It's been nearly a year now, and honestly not a day goes by without thinking about what happened.

I think about how life would have been a year down the line, I still have a scan picture in my purse that when I'm sad I look at it for hours, I still wonder if it would have been a girl or a boy and who would it have looked like more. I'm not religious but I think "was it a sin? Have I murdered?" But what I think about the most is that I know I regret it. Maybe I would have been a single parent, maybe I wouldn't have had a social life, maybe my parents would have thrown me out, but I would have loved that child with all my heart and yes, I do believe that I would have been a fantastic mom.

I eventually heard from my ex. He says it was "all too much for him", but he said to me "don't think about things that's happened in the past, think about the future" and as much I cannot stand to see him, it's one of the best advice lines in life and I know one day I am going to be that fantastic mom.

Editor's Comment

It is hard to live with regret about such a major decision. When you found out you were pregnant you were only 15 and your boyfriend could not support you. It must have felt very lonely and perhaps abortion was the option that looked easier to cope with.
You can't change the past, but sometimes you need help to know how to process what has happened to you in the past so that you can think and feel differently and move on.

The Journey post abortion support programme would help you to do this.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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