I'm 19 years old, and had a surgical abortion on 8th August 2013.

By anonymous on 27/08/2013
I'm 19 years old, and had a surgical abortion on 8th August 2013. Me and my boyfriend had unprotected sex in early July, but we assumed because he used the "pull out" method that there was no chance I would fall pregnant. I went on holiday to Portugal a few days after I came back from Italy (my boyfriend lives there) and I was over eating whilst I was in Portugal, more than I usually do, but I didn't think anything of it.

When I came back I was constantly tired, my eating patterns were weird, I just didn't want to do anything. I spoke to my boyfriend a week before I took the test, and I told him my period should be starting soon, and jokingly I said, 'what if I'm pregnant?' He laughed and said then I'll be a dad. I was just praying that my period wouldn't be delayed and that I wouldn't be pregnant.

So the following week came and my period was delayed, I decided to go to my doctors and see what was wrong with me, if it was stress causing me to delay etc. First thing he said to me was 'did I have unprotected sex?' and I said yes, and he replied that I may be pregnant. He said that I should take the test as soon as possible and come back so I can talk about my options. At this point I was just scared.

I took two tests while I was in college and they both came out positive. I was so numb - didn't know how to react. I just started crying to my friend as I didn't know what to do/how to react to the news.

Anyway's my boyfriend said whatever I choose to do he will support me regardless, I had already made up my mind that I was keeping the baby because I'm against abortions. Even though I'm going to university in September I was keeping this baby.
We were both getting excited and had started planning on how we were going to sort out our living accommodations, finding a job to support our baby and ourselves. He had told his parents and his sister and they were all happy, they just all wanted us to take things seriously and know that our lives were going to drastically change.

I told my mum a week after, because frankly I was too damn scared to tell her straight away. She was absolutely devastated at first, because of the timing and my age and everything really. She didn't know I was sexually active until this day. She said that she will support me with whatever I choose and we will work it out.

Things were all looking good, as weird as this may sound. Things only started going downhill when my elder sister found out. She wanted me to abort straight away, what is ironic is that she is against abortions as well. She didn't want me throwing my life away etc. I was in a very vulnerable stage I didn't want to let anybody down, but I was already in the process of doing it. My boyfriend had constantly told me before that I should think about my options before I go ahead with anything.

I told my mum I'm not aborting that this is something that God has given to me that I don't want to throw away, and she just said okay.
Later on that day my mum and my sister had an intervention with me. This was most probably the 2nd worst day of my life. They were talking to me like I was just anybody, not their family, calling me names, shouting, screaming. At the end of this all they said I have to abort, no excuses.

I went to the Marie Stopes clinic on the 8th of August to have a surgical abortion done. This was the day of my mums birthday too. My mum and sister were acting like it was a normal day and that I was wrong for feeling upset and depressed. I was in the clinic for over 3 hours before I had my surgery. My sister didn't come into the waiting room with me just left me to go alone, and that is exactly how I felt, alone. My boyfriend was having a job interview that same morning so we couldn't talk.

I woke up from my surgery and I didn't even know it had been done. Went home to sleep before my mums birthday meal. Since that day I haven't felt the same, emotionally and physically.
I thought that I had forgiven my mum and sister for making me abort but every time I think about it, anger just rises up and I relive every feeling again.
No one can fill this empty hole in my heart that has been taken away from me. My boyfriend can't forgive my mum and my sister either, I'm still surprised that he is even staying with me after all of this. I know that he wishes he was in the country because it would've made a difference, maybe even could've saved our child.

Having to abort when its not your choice is the worst sort of pain that you could go through, constantly feeling empty angry and emotional. You push away the people that love you. And you detest the people that forced you.
I'm praying that this empty feeling doesn't last too long because I don't know how much crying I can take.

Editor's Comment

This sounds the worst situation because you were against abortion but felt pressurised into it. I am not surprised that you are struggling to cope. When you go against your core values, you feel that you have betrayed yourself as a person. I am so sorry you are feeling such emotional pain. Please contact CareConfidential to get some post abortion support. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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