I had a surgical abortion 3 days ago at about 7-8 weeks pregnant. Prior to choosing to have the abortion, I spent all day every day just thinking about being pregnant, exploring my options and learning about foetal development and abortion.
A little bit about me-I'm 21 years old, not attending college or university and currently "between jobs" (basically the recipe for a deadbeat aha) I have quite a few nephews and a niece that I adore. I never seriously thought about having children.
It was boxing day when I took that unholy little test...and another one. One of the lines on the first test was slightly faded so I was pretty convinced it couldn't possibly be positive. I had all the obvious symptoms-strange cravings, back pain, cramps...a late period. But there was no way in hell I was going to accept that I had a little pre-human squatting my uterus. I would like to lie and say that I was being the responsible adult that I am and using all the necessary protection but that simply wasn't the case. I had been casually dating the father of this little blessing for just a few months. We decided to have sex without any sort of protection in the heat of the moment. Fast forward a month and there I am, having an emotional meltdown while he's on vacation with his family for Christmas.
Our relationship had been a bit rocky due to a couple unfortunate events throughout the previous month but things seemed to be going a lot better, we made plans to hangout as soon as he got back. Little did he know I was about to drop a little "guess what, I'm preggo" bomb on his ass. He took it surprisingly well, and was pretty supportive of my immediate reaction to have an abortion.
As time went on, I started to become attached to the idea that maybe I could make motherhood work. After all, my mother was a young mother as is my younger sister. I started researching potential adoption parents and fell in love with two different couples.
During this time I had already made an appointment at my local woman's clinic to have the abortion. I kept going back and forth between options. The father was very opposed to adoption or potentially keeping it. I never told my parents (my mother is very "pro-life") but spilled the beans to a couple of my sisters. They were supportive of whatever I chose, but in their hearts they wanted me to keep the baby. I felt so torn and guilty.
Even early on in the pregnancy I was ridiculously sick and fatigued, my boobs hurt constantly and emotionally I was an absolute mess. I had to cancel more than one job interview because my "morning" sickness was so bad. I had dreams of having my baby and not being able to keep it safe, losing it etc. I would wake up with my hands on my uterus and just cry. I actually don't think I've cried more in my life than I have in this past month.
As much as I wanted to keep the baby, I knew I wasn't ready-emotionally, financially or physically.
The relationship with the father was already strained (I have almost decided he's a jackass but I'm still testing those waters) He would say things that were totally inappropriate and insensitive throughout the pregnancy and I knew he would be an uninvolved father who resented his child.
I decided to keep my appointment and my partner said he would stay with my the night before for support and then come with me to the appointment. He chose to go to a bar with his friends instead. I didn't go to sleep and spent the entire night in tears, wondering if I was making the right decision and trying to figure out how to possibly continue with my pregnancy.
The next morning I was determined to go, I knew I didn't want to get an abortion any later in the pregnancy. My boyfriend came over and we cabbed to the hospital together.
The mood in the waiting room was pretty cavalier, to my relief. We sat there joking around and going from room to room doing the whole social worker, ultra sound, paperwork thing. Finally I moved to the pre-op waiting room. It was basically a long room filled with recliners, blankets, magazines and busy nurses.
The great thing about my experience was how awesome and friendly the hospital staff were. They met me with no judgement and with such care, it was lovely. I skimmed through some sleezy magazine while the nurses periodically visited me to place an IV and take my vital signs. I was given anti-nausea medication and some antibiotics to prevent a post-op infection.
Next thing I knew, it was my time to enter the belly of the dragon. I walked over to the operating room awkwardly with my blanket in hand and took a seat. It was basically a large white room with a single bed with stirrups and a giant vagina facing lamp that looked like it would glow with the force of a thousand burning suns. It felt like I was in some twisted gynos fantasy playground (thank jeebus I shaved) The nurse readjusted my robe and blanket properly...I was like a deer in headlights at this point. The vagina master was pretty young and honestly reminded me of how dexter from dexter's lab would have grown up except with black hair. He explained the potential complications of the procedure and must have noticed my grimace and went on to say that he had performed about 5000 abortions and hasn't had any major complications. So basically he was the master of abortions and I was in excellent care.
So I signed my consent forms and gave them permission to continue the mission...or rather abort it. The nurse injected me with some kind of lovely sedative...it relaxed me a bit but not enough. As soon as the doctor started I began flinching and tensing up a bit, the nurse kept having to pull my knees further apart and I felt like the worst patient ever. They asked me if I wanted nitrous oxide on top of my sedative and I grabbed the mask and just closed my eyes and the rest is a blur. I remember them saying it was over and I managed to get out a meagre "thankyouuu" as the doctor left the room. The nurse had to put a pad and underwear on me, I was so out of it.
She helped me walk back to my chair and I could feel the blood running out of me. I sat down and closed my eyes and felt so relieved. I thought about all the woman who in the past who didn't have access to safe abortion procedures and the woman now who have to fight for the right of choice. I wanted to thank every single nurse and doctor in the place with a big hug but I could barely move in my own chair. I noticed my face and nose was getting really itchy (a common side effect of anaesthesia) And couldn't help but nod in and out of consciousness. I felt like I wanted to smile and cry all at once.
A nurse brought me some ginger ale and cookies. I slowly came back to reality and drank my pop and watched the clock.
When I felt like I could make it out of the place, I asked the nurse if I could leave and she took my vital signs and told me to take off my pad so she could check it (....ew) Apparently I had a good flow because she gave me the ok to head on out.
I went back to the waiting room to meet with the devil who brought me there. I guess all the waiting room boyfriends were just having a grand old time together...went out to lunch and shared life stories while I was being brutally operated on (ok it wasn't that bad) I phoned my friend and went back home.
My boyfriend and I watched some movies and then he took off when he was supposed to stay over...again. It was okay, I still felt pretty drugged up and went to sleep.
The next day was horrific. I think I cried basically non stop and couldn't stop thinking about my little foetus. I know in reality it wasn't much more than a tiny lizard looking humanoid that was barely developed. But it was MY lizard looking humanoid. I wanted it back but in my heart I knew it was the right choice.
For the past couple days I've been periodically bursting into tears. I think a lot of it is my hormones readjusting. My breasts still feel sore and it reminds me of my pregnancy. I'm still bleeding and cramping and probably will be for some time.
This was by far the hardest decision I ever had to make.
I had never considered having children before but now I can't stop thinking about the day that I'll be in the right position with a loving partner and will give birth to the most beautiful baby.
It was difficult but it was necessary. I will forever be pro-choice and supportive of the women's right to choose.
When I was looking into having an abortion I came across so many horror stories. Stories about women who had abortions and spiralled into some crazy suicidal depression or became drug addicts.
I had an abortion 3 days ago and although it has been difficult, I know I am going to be FINE. And I am so completely happy and grateful for my choice in reproduction.
If you are considering having an abortion-think about your decision with your heart and mind. It is YOUR decision, do what you want and need to do, because it's all you can do.
Thanks for posting your story. I hope your recovery goes well. I think like anything people react in different ways, and it often depends on the circumstances surrounding their abortion. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.