I went through the pain alone

I'm only 18. I've never been in support of abortions, but I had to go through with it because I didn't want to be hated by my parents and other family members.
It's been terrible, I wish I never went through with it. I cannot believe I murdered my own child, alone. I went through the pain alone, hardly got any support from the father of the child, not that he was my boyfriend but we had a thing and I expected way more from him.
I had a feeling I was pregnant, I didn't take it seriously until I missed my period, I felt that it didn't come because I had taken birth control pills and had knowledge that it messes with the menstrual cycle. I did a pregnancy test on Saturday 25th of January. Till today, I still don't know how far gone I was because I was scared and I didn't even want my mom to be suspicious.

The misoprostol pills were gotten for me by the guy that was responsible, with instructions on how to use them. I had already timed myself that night on when to use the drugs. Time went by so fast that day, and I just sat in the bathroom, prepared. I couldn't cry, the tears didn't come. I had read several stories on medical abortions and was prepared for the pain that accompanied it. After popping the pills, I started feeling funny almost immediately. My belly made several sounds, I knew it was happening but the pain then wasn't so much.

Hours past and the pain got intense.

I threw up and went to the toilet over a dozen times, I was writhing in pain, I still didn't cry. This was around 2 in the morning, I didn't understand why the pain was so much, I was pretty upset that I went through this alone, without the guy being with me, to hold my hand through it or something. I had read somewhere that ibuprofen could help the pain. I took nurofen express, 200mg (4 tabs). It didn't help at all. I was upset, I couldn't sleep. I kept cursing (because I was so angry). I woke up hours later, I had seen things come out from my vagina but I couldn't identify them because I didn't know what I was to see or what it would look like. I figured it was my baby after all. I woke up some minutes after 5am and felt so much better.

I returned to school two days after, thinking everything was over, the cramps got worse. I couldn't stop taking painkillers, sometimes it didn't even help. It's been one week since the abortion and I still feel terrible. I regret going through with it, I wish I had my baby. I wish I had kept it, this is going to haunt me forever and I know it. I can't stop crying. If I ever get pregnant again I won't go through with an abortion. It is a sin, a huge one and I hope God forgives me for this, I cannot even forgive myself.

Editor's Comment

I would never advise anyone to get abortions pills without medical advice. I can understand that you wanted to keep things secret but in reality your life is in danger if you take medication like this without medical supervision. At this stage if you are still in pain it is very important that you seek medical help from a doctor such as your GP, or a young people's clinic. The reason for this is that the abortion may be incomplete and if you have some retained parts of the pregnancy it could cause infection, or heavy bleeding. The person who gave you the pills is very irresponsible. If you need some support please contact the national helpline or Online advisor for post abortion support.

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