It will be four years since I had an abortion

In a week's time, it will be four years since I had an abortion at seven weeks and four days of pregnancy. My story is on here already but I want to share my feelings four years on. Life has changed in many ways, but it always comes back to that day four years ago. Whenever I'm sad or feeling lonely, I remember that day. I remember every single tiny detail, I remember every sound, every smell, every face. I wonder what life would be like if I'd said no or just not gone through it? I wonder if my boyfriend would've stayed with me rather than our perfect relationship being blown apart. He's married now, I saw on Facebook through mutual friends. He's happy. I wonder if he still wonders like I do. If he still thinks about me, about our baby, about what our life would've been like. I wonder if he knows that I've had the inability to be at peace since that day four years ago, that my relationships since him have failed and that it all comes back to him. I wonder if he still cares? I'm sure he doesn't now he has his wife. We both had two children already, I've had a child since but I was unable to bond with him and gave him up for adoption. I wonder if he will ever have another child. I can't now as after the birth of my last child, I begged for sterilisation. I regret it now, that was two years ago. I've never been the same and I can't believe it's four years since my happiness was so brutally taken from me and yet with my consent. I miss my boyfriend, I miss my baby, I miss my perfect life. I find joy in my two children, and know I'm blessed but still feel like I'm missing the pieces that I gave away four years ago. I learnt on The Journey Programme, three years ago, that you can't change the past, you don't know the future but you can change the way you think. The guilt isn't there any more, but the pain has never gone away. And I don't think it ever will.

Editor's Comment

Four years is a long time to carry such pain, and it sounds like a grief for your relationship as well as the baby you lost. The Journey programme has helped with some of your emotions, but it sounds as though you have not got to the root of all the pain, and perhaps finding out that your ex boyfriend has moved on makes this worse. I would encourage you to go back to your post abortion counsellor and see if you can get some more help.
This story was sent in on 13/02/2014 and it's been viewed 169 times.

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