In October 2007, one of my best friends was killed in a motorcycle accident. After three days his machine was turned off and he died. Four days later, I found out I was pregnant.
However, the next day I started bleeding and thought I was losing it. Four days later, I was rushed to hospital. They thought it was ectopic and I was rushed into surgery, convinced it was over. When I woke from surgery they told me it was a burst ovarian cyst and I was still pregnant. My partner was shocked as really he wanted me to lose it.
In the days that followed, I went through my friend’s funeral, my daughter running away, the scattering of my friend’s ashes and my daughter's attempted suicide. Yet still I remained pregnant. My partner seemed to accept it was going to happen, but around the ninth week of pregnancy he changed his mind. He continually told me he didn’t want it and actually left me on three occasions. My daughter wanted me to get rid of it too. At twelve weeks I had my scan, alone. He didn't come.
It finally reached the stage where he was living at his mother’s. I was quite sick with morning sickness and felt alone, bullied and desperate. I couldn't bear the thought of giving birth to this baby and him not being around. Ii couldn't stand the thought of being a single parent again like I had the last ten years. All I wanted was some peace, no more emotional abuse. I caved in and agreed to an abortion. But the whole time I thought he'd stop me, right up to the waiting room in the clinic. I prayed the counsellors would say, no, they wouldn’t do it as I was so upset and crying. They did not. I wanted someone to stop me, no one did. And like I was a zombie I went through with it.
That was two months ago. I was thirteen weeks pregnant. I regret it with the whole of my being. I find I hate him at times, and my daughter, but mostly myself. I felt weak, not as I do now. That baby was my miracle, my one and only last chance. I can't get my head around how I saw it as a miracle and they saw it as a curse. I lied to my friends who supported me and told them I had a miscarriage. I can't tell them the truth. My partner and I are still together. I try and hide my feelings about it, but the honesty is I just want it back.
On the 6th of June, I should be having a baby. Instead I have this huge emptiness that I cannot fill, or bear at times. How could I have been so weak that I gave into pressure, when inside I was happy? The trouble is men don't become a parent until we hand them that baby. We become a parent from the moment we conceive. My baby was a fighter. It survived all that stress and against the odds was still there, then I went and killed it. That is so wrong, how can I ever get over that!
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…As with so many women in your situation, there was a natural instinct to pursue your pregnancy – even happiness in your heart – but the wishes of your partner may have meant you felt you had to make a choice between keeping the relationship and keeping the baby. It seems now you might be struggling with great loss, grief, regret, guilt, shame and probably anger – both towards yourself and those who didn’t support you. All that sounds as if it’s wrapped up in the grief resulting from the loss of your friend as well.
You are bearing a difficult emotional burden and it may be that you would benefit greatly from some post-abortion support from your nearest centre. It’s a free and confidential service that takes you on a journey, helping you to work through these emotions and find peace again, leaving you in a better place than when you started. Please have courage and phone a centre to make an appointment.