I had an abortion less than 5 months ago.

I started to feel ill and not right, I would be starving one second and then as soon as I took a bite I would feel like throwing up. After it happened a couple of times I just had this feeling I was pregnant but I didn't want to believe it. It took me 2 weeks to get the courage to go to the doctor's and get a test and sure enough I was right, I was pregnant.
That night I went home and told my boyfriend, at that stage we had only been together about 11 months, I wasn't even 18 yet. I was terrified to tell him, so scared about what would happen in the following weeks. He took it a lot better than I expected him to, but what he wanted was exactly what I thought he would pick.

He didn't want to keep the baby.

He was only 20, neither of us were in the right situation to have a child, mentally and financially. Physically I was feeling sick all the time, and most of all I wasn't sure if we had the maturity to raise a baby.
Even though he didn't want this baby he said he would stick by me whatever I decided to do.
At first I thought it was that simple, he would stay with me either way. I then started to think he was only saying that because he didn't want me to feel any pressure and maybe that was true, but I didn't want to have a baby he didn't want and for us to then fall apart, because that would have been bad for both the baby and myself. It's because of that reason I feel guilty and selfish for choosing to have an abortion.
No matter how much I knew I wasn't ready for a baby at the time, I now regret it so painfully.

The day of my abortion every girl sat in the recovery room with their boyfriends comfort while they were in physical and emotional pain, and me, I was alone crying silently to myself. I regret everything about that day and the experience I had. I cried at my ultrasound because my partner wasn't there. I felt so alone in this tough decision I had made, and it's true I have to live with what I chose for the rest of my life.

I can honestly say right now and for the last few months I have deeply regretted it.

I may not have been ready for a baby, but what I was wrong about was the fact I also wasn't ready to give up my baby.
When I finally got home that day, my partner asked how I was feeling and if I needed anything, and that is honestly the last conversation I remember having with him about our baby. I don't even know how to tell him I regret it and hate myself for the decision I made.
I wasn't ready to be a mum 5 months ago when I found out I was pregnant, but I now feel I'm ready, and my baby would have been due in 4 months. This makes me regret my decision more and more each day. I think about the fact I could still be carrying my baby in my belly and soon would have been in my arms.
I'm sorry for writing such a long story but this is the first time I have shared anything about my pregnancy with anyone at all and it has made me really ask myself if I had a termination for me or if it was to keep my Boyfriend happy.

Editor's Comment

You sound as though you are agonising over this decision that you made and analysing motives and reasons for your choice. It is very hard to live with regret. You can't change the past but you can change the way you think, and there is a way of processing this experience and coming to a place of peace. Post abortion counselling could help you to do that, and it is available, for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 01/12/2014

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