I had to have an abortion 3 weeks ago due abnormalities with the baby.

I had to have an abortion 3 weeks ago due abnormalities with the baby as my baby was not growing properly. It was my first pregnancy and I was looking forward to it so much; of becoming a mum for the first time, I had so many plans and something so special to look forward to, something that was a part of me, something that me and partner had made and that was a part of both of us. I couldn't wait to see what my baby would look like, look into his eyes and hug and kiss him loads, I was over the moon when I found out. I had a scan at 9 weeks and they said everything was fine. They couldn't pick up on anything and I was so relieved as I was worrying about a few thing. Then came my 12 week scan which was on a Tuesday, I could see my baby on screen and to me everything looked fine. I could see the little arms, his little legs, he even looked at us but the nurse struggled to get a proper measurement so she had to internally scan me.
That's when she could see 2 areas that weren't right. She was telling me as much as she could but I needed to have another scan and see a consultant. By the Friday they had booked me in for this and before they scanned the consultant made it clear that there may not be a heartbeat, but to all of our amazement there was. However, my baby had deteriorated within days, even I could see the difference in the 2 scans that I had.

That's when me and my partner got told we were better off having an abortion and it felt like my whole world had fallen apart as there was so many areas where the baby wasn't growing. The consultant said it had something to do with the chromosomes and we made a decision to go ahead as we thought that was the best for our baby. We were asked if we wanted tests done after the abortion to have a proper diagnosis and we agreed as we wanted to know.
By the weekend I went in to have my abortion and was so scared and emotional as I wanted to keep my baby but I knew it was for the best as I was told that I could have a still born if I carried on with the pregnancy. I just felt so guilty and horrible as the last time I saw my baby on that screen it had a heart beat. I had a surgical abortion as I was 13 weeks when I had my abortion. A week later the hospital rang me with the results and my baby had Edwards syndrome and they even knew the sex of my baby, I was going to have BOY:(
Now I don't know what to do with myself, I feel lost and just want my baby back!! I'm so emotional as I don't know how to deal with it all. I can't believe what has happened and why it happened to me, not that I would wish it on anybody else, but for the first time in my life I was actually so happy and was looking forward to everything.
Now I am trying to get on with my day to day life but it's so hard when something is missing from me. I look down and don't feel bloated and not having my little bundle of joy with me feels so lonely. Not having those moments with my baby that I was looking forward to, I know time is a healer but at this precise moment I just want my bundle off joy.

Editor's Comment

That is a very sad story, and I can't imagine how painful your sadness and loss must feel. Your baby was very wanted and longed for, but he was very ill and not growing as he should have been. Coming to terms with such a loss will take time and you will have to allow yourselves to grieve. It may help you to have some support during this time, and many hospitals offer help and support after such a bereavement. Care Confidential can also help you with counselling and support so do please contact the helpline 0300 4000 999, or Online counselling.
This story was sent in on 04/01/2015 and it's been viewed 48 times.

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