A surgical abortion under local anaesthetic.
No stable relationship - although he wasn't a one night stand and we had been seeing each other for about a year and a half, we only saw one another every couple of weeks or so, it wasn't progressing, I had met a couple of members of his family on our second date but not again after that, he had not met any of my friends or family.
I was worried about the age gap with my existing children. I take them to places like, theme parks, cinema, weekends away etc. and by the time the baby inside me would be old enough to join in on these sort of activities my eldest would be 14-15 and wouldn't want to do those things with his mum, would probably rather be with his mates like most teens.
I worried that I would have very little help for the small things, and that I would end up resenting the child because I would be stuck in every day and night 7 days a week. My friends and family do not babysit but the father of my children now helps a lot and has them regularly.
Explaining to everyone I was pregnant with no dad in sight would be hard.
My eldest has adhd and global developmental delay and although I wouldn't change him at all I did worry that if this child inherited anything, would I cope with 2 children that needed a lot of day to day help? I didn't know if I could offer this child the best possible life at this time.
My house and car are too small.
I knew that because I wasn't 100% sure it was possible I would regret having this child and if the dad did too there would be a child that nobody wants and that wouldn't be fair on him/her.
On the day of abortion it was about 5 and a half weeks since finding out. I took 800 mg ibuprofen as told to do so an hour before my appointment. The doctor was running late and the whole time in the waiting room I was second guessing myself. The dad had said he would come and he didn't. I was wondering could I really kill my own child?
I decided at the last moment as I was called in that I'd spent the last 5 weeks thinking about nothing but what the best option was and I'd still come so it must be the right thing.
I remember walking into the room and thinking the bed was strange as it was like half a bed and there were stirrups where the bottom half should be.
The doctor used really cold antiseptic gel on me. I was scared and still unsure. He injected my cervix 4 times. I cried partly in pain and partly because I knew there was no going back. I was 9 weeks and 6 days pregnant by the scan, but 10 and 3 days by my last period. The baby would have been due 4-8 august and I had been told it was a boy.
Next the doctor used dilators. That hurt and my tears were flowing uncontrollably. I was heaving as if I was about to throw up and could barely breathe.
He attached the manual vacuum and it seemed to go on for hours although in reality it was only a few minutes. It felt like my insides were being ripped out.... well they were.
I was having a panic attack while they did this part. Excruciating pain in my lower left stomach and labour like pains (contractions).
He told me it was over and put a suppository in. I had immediate regret and guilt. I had just killed my child. Willingly. He never had a chance to walk, talk, laugh, to grow or be loved. I wonder if it felt pain but research shows at this stage in pregnancy the answer is no. I felt glad of that. I feltlike I deserved this pain but the baby did not. I felt like the worst person in the world.
The doctor went for a few minutes and came back with a contraceptive implant which I had asked for to be done at the same time. I was still in soooo much pain. Still feeling panicky and faint and like I could not control my body. It was time for me to go to recovery.
I walk through the waiting room into recovery.
In the recovery room my panic attack calmed down after another 10-15 mins, the nurse gave me an anti-d injection. I had cramps everywhere back legs stomach and still a sharp pain in my left side. I decided then that that's where my baby had implanted.
I couldn't stop crying but they are more silent now. my blood pressure is a lot lower than it was before I went in.
I wish I could go back an hour and I wouldn't have done it. Even with my reasons I decided I could have done it alone. I would have loved my child and I would have adapted. My kids would love a brother or sister.
I'm angry I had to do this alone. I felt although it wasn't planned it took 2 to make this child and 2 to make the decision of what to do and that he got to ignore the situation when it mattered. I didn't know why. Maybe he had better things to do? changed his mind? felt that because we weren't a proper couple he didn't have to do as he said and come.
I cannot believe what I have just done. I've never felt so many emotions in one go.
I decide to sleep when I get home and I try but I can't.
My mum calls to see if I'm ok and if it's been done. I feel that having it done is what she wanted and that she would have felt ashamed telling people I was pregnant in my circumstances, although she doesn't say this and had previously said she'd support me either way so maybe its just my hormones.
Today is Friday - two days after the procedure. I feel a lot better physically. No cramps, no pain, no bleeding and most pregnancy symptoms gone. I am still slightly worried about the cramps and blood going so quick but I have to take a test in 4 weeks if I don't have a normal period anyway.
Emotionally I've come to terms with it more. I know I did the wrong thing but at the time I thought I could justify it to myself with my reasons. I wouldn't do it again and probably won't trust my own judgement as much. I hope one day I forgive myself and expand my family when the timing and situation is right. I hope time reduces the guilt I feel and I know I've learned lessons from this. I am glad I only told a few people as its a subject that a lot of people are strongly opinionated on.
Editor's CommentA surgical abortion under local anaesthetic can be a painful procedure, and it sounds as though your experience was quite harrowing, and very upsetting to be going through it alone. It has left you with feelings of guilt and regretand these are painful emotions to cope with. Post abortion support would help you to process some of this and it may be worth you seeing a practitioner, or talking to someone on the helpline or Online service, click on the link for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 10/01/2015