A surgical abortion at 10 weeks.

I lost my virginity to my 1st boyfriend at 18 (he was 17) we were together for 18 months. He was well-off in regards to finance (his father was should I say) so he was a spoilt playboy. Which I loved to begin with. He had a car, we had holidays abroad. He was European (mixed European) as he was very proud of his heritage, and I was biracial dissent (European and African). We had been on our 2nd holiday in Europe when I got pregnant and I actually didn't know I was until his mum said I was looking a bit bloated and asked him to get me a pregnancy test. I didn't know that they were talking about me in great detail until I was handed a pregnancy test by my boyfriend along with the words (what ever the outcome I will be there for you and I love you). So it turned out positive (my mind went blank,I zoned out) until he said I went to ask my dad and he said to get rid of it! (what about ME? What do I want?) he followed up with your mum is going to kill ME!! I was like my sister has four children really??? You think my mum is that sort of person? Well your not your sister are you? Besides your 19!! And am only 18,we can't have a baby now!. We can't do anything right now we have to go to college. He drove me to college (we were on the same course) he went behind my back phoned my grandma, sister and auntie but told them not to tell my mum and dad I was pregnant and going to have an abortion!! His family his dad mainly gave me 500 bucks to get rid of it! I refuse to take the money,because I don't want to go through with it! My boyfriend was no help what so ever he didn't want to talk to me, he said he had to do what his father wanted. So I was 8 weeks in April 2004,I had a scan,but only my boyfriend was able to look at it I remember the nurse saying to him "can you see it there the little blob" He said yes he can see it very clear, I wanted to but I didn't. I was told to come back in two weeks. I didn't want to really come back. I knew my boyfriend had arranged with my parents (behind my back again) to stay at his house with his dad,so they could arrange the whole thing his dad even told me what to say when I get to go home after the abortion. I was meant to say I was on a skiing ?? trip and had caught a cold.?? The two weeks were completely horrible I was thinking ?? about if the baby would look like me? Or my boyfriend would it have blue eyes like him? I said randomly to him "what if it comes out white looking?" He said what are you talking about we aren't keeping this baby. I Said well you are already calling it a baby. He stormed off. He came back and said "I don't want a white looking baby anyway" and you're only half black so you're not really black!! Honestly I should have got out of the house and on the bus to my parents. But his dad had a habit of double locking the front door for safety. I remember every night for two weeks talking to my belly in the bathroom whispering that I am sorry baby mummy isn't strong enough to keep you! I wanted to keep you so badly! If I had to be a single parent and a teenage mum..I would give anything to keep you, but your daddy and grandad don't want you! 2 against 1 I am out numbered. My boyfriend asked me if it was still safe to have sex,now that I am pregnant! I said it's not going to make much difference on all levels really. It's not like I can get pregnant now!! I felt numb as we had sex..I knew that night it was over,after the abortion I was going to leave him alone and his father. It was like Romeo and Juliet (he was wealthy and I was a projects girl). The day of the abortion my boyfriend did all the paperwork (honestly it's surprising how little the woman who is having the abortion is spoken to) you never get a 1.2.1 with you and the doctor! Oh the doctors are always men! So I think they don't understand what it's like! There are two things I would change 1) a female doctor or nurse and a 30 min interview just you and the doctor. 2)ask them what"THE WOMAN WANT TO DO!" Ask her close her eyes and breathe. Now take everything out of the equation deep down what do you want. 10 pros and 10 cons. And you will be surprised at the answers In the operation my boyfriend was crying ?? and said that he would be there when I wake up ( I was hoping he would say I love you so much and I want them to stop you going through with it....nope not a word) He was only there to see for himself it was done. I was under for about an hour when I woke up I felt like I was dead inside no baby (our baby together) just me and my boyfriend with a baby that was gone. I sat up rested for 30 mins and when I got up to walk around a gush of blood was everywhere. I feel like I was going to pass out my boyfriend rushed to help me up I got dressed sat in the car park with all the flowers ?? in bloom I sat on the hospital bench (while my boyfriend went to get the car) I just cried and cried. 2 days after I was at my boyfriend's house and I didn't say anything maybe yes or no. My boyfriend dad said time to take her home. I went home and my mum,dad,sister,brother and sister's kids were all having Easter eggs. I just said hi and I'm going to have a shower. My sister grabbed me in the hall way and said your boyfriend told me that this is your 2nd one!! Abortion ( I said no he is trying to save his own skin,ask him about his previous girlfriends) I sat in the bath and crying I feel like I didn't want to live any more! How can I have children in the future knowing that I couldn't save this one? 11 years later I moved to a new country,found a loving man (a new man!) and we have a beautiful son together and we married before our son was born. (every Easter I put an extra egg out and at Christmas I hang a special ball on the tree) Just because I can't save you don't mean I forgot you. You where my baby just in the stars.

Editor's Comment

Being pressurised into a decision like this is the worst possible situation for a woman to be in. I am so sorry that you felt so trapped and powerless.
Your life has turned out well now and you have a beautiful son but as you say, your previous child is etched on your memory for ever.
This story was sent in on 06/02/2015 and it's been viewed 64 times.

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