I was dreaming about having his child

By anonymous on 07/02/2015
I've been with my 25 year old partner for over two years (living together for a year). I was dreaming about having his child but also knew neither of us are ready for it. A year ago I decided to turn my life around, quit my retail job and went to university, my partner just finished his training. Our savings disappeared as soon as we moved in together with all the things we had to buy and currently living on my student allowance. My period was 1 week late, I bought pregnancy test just in case but was sure I can't be pregnant (I'm 28, use protection only occasionally never got pregnant), the test was showing a second very weak line right away. I was astounded, my hands were shaking, and I had my partner double check for me to believe. He was shocked, didn't even hug me back, asked me what are we going to do about it. Abortion didn't even cross my mind at first as I always thought if I ever get pregnant I will keep it no matter what. Reality hits hard it wasn't some far away dream any more. The next day I was thinking all day about all the opportunities I would miss if I went through with this pregnancy, about my freedom, my happy laid back life with my partner, how we give each other all our spare time, about how am I going to succeed in my new career which hasn't even started yet with a child to take care (neither of us have family around). The logical option for me and my relationship was to terminate the pregnancy.

I had a very bad morning sickness which was going on pretty much 24 hours a day, vomiting almost every day sometimes few times a day even if had nothing in my stomach, some days I couldn't get up off my bed. I lost 3 kg in 3 weeks with my weight already below normal.
The worst part was waiting, I had to wait for a week for my doctor's appointment, a few days for my scan and blood result and another 10 days for my appointment at the abortion clinic. I was exactly 8 weeks when I was given my first pill (mifegyne 200mg), nothing happened during the day, at night I woke up with my heart racing, stomach ache and nausea. The next day it was time for my second set of pills (misoprostol) which I had to put between my gums and my cheeks. I vomited on the way from clinic 29 minutes after taking the pills. So we decided to go back in case I had to repeat them. When we reached the clinic my stomach was cramping extremely badly but even the thought of taking painkillers or any other drug made me nauseous. Suddenly I had an urge to go to the toilet so I did while my partner went to check with the staff if I needed a repeat. I was sitting on the toilet bowl while vomiting bile (yellow bitter liquid) I was there about half an hour in excruciating pain then I felt something pouring down, it was blood and the pain lessened dramatically. My partner was waiting for me he was told we can go home and come back the next day if nothing happens.
When we got into the car the pain had almost gone. When we got home I began to clean the flat as I was told to stay active for 4-6 hours to allow everything to pass down. I was walking around the whole time vacuuming, doing dishes etc. Every time I felt any blood coming I would go to the loo (every 15-20 mins for the first 3 hours) and push a little, big blood clots and streams of blood would pour down. I didn't want to see what I was passing but everything was unrecognisable anyway, covered in blood.
I still couldn't take anything in my mouth, even painkillers, and had a bitter taste remaining. Luckily the pain never came back, only very light period cramping. Five hours after taking the pills the blood clots became smaller. Seven hours after taking the pills the nausea was gone and I could take dinner. During the night I used two thick pads which is only slightly heavier than my normal period. The next morning I could take breakfast for the first time in three weeks I almost cried of relief. The nurse on the phone told me I don't need to go back for any repeat medication and just to get blood tests done few days later.
Throughout the process I didn't take any painkillers. Medical abortion was a right choice for me, I was thinking of surgical as I thought 8 weeks was too late for medical and worried about seeing 'it' but I would have to wait for another week and a half for a surgical appointment which wasn't acceptable for me. I didn't see anything and the pain surprisingly was almost non-existent. Today is day four still bleeding and light cramping but no nausea.
Emotions: I cried every day after making the decision to terminate, it was hard to do to my first 'baby to be'.
Week 2-3 before termination I was going from being 100% sure about keeping it to the opposite a few times a day but never cancelled my appointment.
Week 1 I knew I had to do it and didn't cry any more.
Throughout the procedure I was calm and focused.
Day 1 after procedure-relieved and focused on my study.
Day 2-4 crying every day, very angry with my partner and myself, kicking furniture and walls.
It is ironic how one of the reasons for it was to keep our relationship strong and now I have no romantic feeling left for him. My dreams of my first pregnancy are ruined, how disappointed I am that he didn't support me and ask me to keep it.
I'm hurt more than I expected but I wouldn't take my pregnancy back even if I could. There was no positive outcome in this situation either way I'd gone even though termination was more logical and appropriate solution. Of course I wish I didn't get pregnant and never had to make this awful choice. I hope the sense of pain, anger and despair will lessen eventually. I want things to go back to normal and feel the same way I used to towards my partner.

Editor's Comment

It is helpful to hear your emotional reaction as well as what you went through physically. Although we often rationalise an experience like this, there are likely to be emotional reactions to ending a pregnancy, and a feeling of loss of hopes and dreams that you may have had for years, about becoming a mother. Sadly relationships do sometimes break down after a termination of pregnancy. When you choose to end a pregnancy that was made in a loving, caring relationship, it can feel that part of that relationship has gone as well. It may help you to have some post abortion support, for post abortion support.

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