A medical abortion at 8 weeks.
After that I told my sister and my best friend and their response was when are you having the abortion? No one in my life could comprehend why I would want this baby and no one thought I could. I am not a religious person but I have never prayed as much as I did in those few days. I did not stay strong for very long after that. I begged my then ex-boyfriend to let me keep it, he kept saying please. I felt alone and defeated and I told him to make an appointment to get an abortion. It was a Thursday morning and my appointment was made for ten o'clock at a Marie Stopes clinic. When I arrived at the clinic the first thing that struck me was how many girls that looked just like me were sitting in the waiting room. I filled out a form and waited. I believe that once a baby is conceived it is an entity different from yourself, it is made up of different D.N.A, it is foreign to your own body. While I waited I wondered how many of these women thought the same as me. I opted to take the medical abortion. I didn't want to be in that clinic longer than I had to. I remember sitting across from the nurse telling myself not to break-down. My ex-boyfriend was brooding over me, I felt like he was only there to make sure I did it. I was silent until the nurse filled a glass of water and placed it in front of me. I started to sob uncontrollably, I started to choke, I started to make sounds that I didn't give my body consent to make. The nurse asked me why I was crying, was it because someone was hitting me. I managed to shake my head. I could not speak so my ex had to answer all the questions. How old am I? is this my first child? I think I broke in that moment. The nurse put the first tablet in my hand, it kept falling. She said why are crying? you don't want to do this? I wanted to say I want this baby. She continued to tell me that I have to make it fast because she has other people to attend to. My ex kept saying my name. I put the tablet in my mouth. I couldn't swallow it. I closed my eyes and forced it down my throat. The next day I took the course of tablets that would force contractions. The way your body reacts to the tablets is similar to how you would think your body would react to poison. I felt weak but the pain was not so intense for me. The bleeding was unbearable. I was 8 weeks pregnant so I knew I was going to see the foetus (as the internet likes to call it)/ the tissue (as the abortion clinic likes to call it)/ my baby (the only way I ever saw it). It was the worst moment of my entire life. It was a small white mass about 15mm long and it had two black eyes. I felt like the biggest failure as it lay before me in a spoonful of blood. I will never be the same person again. This experience took something valuable from me. For women who are having an abortion in the future I would advise you to have a surgical abortion if you find blood and having to see the foetus/tissue/baby traumatizing. For those of you who are unsure about having an abortion I advise you to make a calculated decision because it is something you can't take back. You don't have to believe in God or be a perfect human being to want your baby and choosing to have an abortion is the best option for some women. Please, make sure that whatever decision you make, it is the right decision for you and whatever you believe is happening to your body.
Editor's CommentIt is very distressing to lose a pregnancy that you longed to keep, and the loss of a relationship that seemed so different from how it turned out to be. It is hard to pursue a career with a young child, but not impossible especially with plenty of support from friends, family and partner. It seems that everyone turned their back on you when you needed them most. I believe you will recover from this but you may never be quite the same person you were, as experiences do change us. There is post abortion support available, if you would like to talk this through with a trained practitioner, for post abortion support. or call the national helpline 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 14/02/2015