He said to me that we couldn't go through with it.

I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant. I had known I was pregnant before I even took the test due to my late period. My boyfriend would joke around about getting me pregnant and I remember asking him what he'd do if I were to fall pregnant to which he replied "I'd correspond at school and get a part time job". I kind of felt safe to know that he'd be that supportive.
Until the day came, I remember the first thing he said to me was that we couldn't go through with it. I was so angry and felt so betrayed. All I could do was cry. He spoke about financial issues which was understandable but I know we would've made it work.
Everybody I told kept reminding me about how young we were after I'd tell them I'm keeping it, that got me so angry and emotional but I suppose it was the hormones and based on that I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. I thought about the disappointment I'd bring upon my family and the financial predicament I'd be in and more than anything, I couldn't build up the courage to tell my mom, I was scared and alone in this plus I was confused.
All I actually needed was support, mainly from the father but I suppose he was freaking out.

I think about what I did every single day and I pray to God and to my baby to forgive me. It's been 3 months now yet it still hurts so bad and I can't stop crying. I feel like such a terrible person and such a let down to the women out there, I should have protected and fought for my baby's life and all I could do was think about mine. I'm trying to find peace but its so hard, how do I get over killing my own child? It's a life time ache that I'll never be able to forget. I keep repressing these feelings and trying to forget but every time I do that I feel like I'm losing my mind, almost like I lose touch with reality.
It's gotten to a point where I can't even recognize myself emotionally because the person I was a few years ago would've never done what I did, I can't say I've been so heartbroken about anything in my life like the way I'm hurting right now. I feel like nobody's life should be determined by money ever, the day human beings valued money over life was the end of humanity and if I could turn back the hands of time I would. I hate myself for what I did.

Editor's Comment

I'm so sorry this has been so emotionally traumatic for you. You chose abortion because you were afraid of disappointing your family, and the financial difficulties you would face, but this went against your values and beliefs. This is where the pain comes from when abortion becomes a painful experience. You may feel that you have not been true to yourself as a person. I would encourage you to find post abortion help where you live.
This story was sent in on 20/02/2015 and it's been viewed 60 times.

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