I decided on a surgical abortion
It was positive, as soon as my urine touched it. No waiting for it to show up. So I took the second test in the pack praying it was a false positive. It wasn't.
I tried to cry. I tried to be happy. I tried to feel anything.
I went to work the next day and I talked to a co-worker and admitted to her "I don't want this child, I can't have this child" and she said she understood and had been there herself. She said that you have to make the choice that is best for the children I've already committed to. And I knew then that my decision was made.
I spoke to my fiancé and told him my decision. He didn't like it, but he also understood that it was a decision I didn't make lightly and that it was the best choice.
I told him that physically I wasn't recovering as well from my second c section, and mentally I wasn't adjusting well to two children and my job. I felt like I was drowning.
I called planned parenthood and set up an appointment. It was two weeks away. I was upset I had to wait so long but figured I could hide the morning sickness and be done with it. I put it out of my head. The day of my appointment came and it snowed. My appointment was cancelled and I was devastated. My morning sickness was getting more difficult to hide and I had been bleeding daily for weeks. I was afraid I partially miscarried or my pregnancy was ectopic.
I finally got to my appointment and the staff was lovely. They didn't make me feel uncomfortable or anxious at all. I decided on a surgical abortion since I was further along than I wanted to be. I declined sedation because I felt confident with my decision and didn't want to be in a fog knowing I had other children to be there for. They gave me ibuprofen and an antibiotic and called me into the room. The doctor was friendly and noticed my c section scar and during the procedure asked me about my children and why I had to have c sections.
When she began the procedure it was painful, but having children and experiencing labor; it wasn't as painful as my sister said hers was. I did wince and grabbed my neck to make sure I didn't scream and scare the other women around me. While I was waiting all I could hear was the woman before me screaming to God about how bad it hurt, and that was more frightening than the procedure.
She was finished quickly and inserted my IUD. She then asked if I had been bleeding during the pregnancy and said she saw evidence of that. She told me I did really well and I thanked her. Then I went in the recovery room and sat for a half an hour and went home. The pain maxed at maybe a 5 and within a day I was in no pain.
I am glad I made the decision to limit the size of my family, and I'm glad I was able to immediately have an IUD inserted. I had every intention of getting my IUD placed but my ob gyn kept waiting to place it, and that is part of how I fell into that mess.