I felt I couldn't keep the baby and my partner thought the same.

By anonymous on 02/03/2015
I found out I was seven weeks pregnant and was distraught, I felt I couldn't keep the baby and my partner thought the same. He was so supportive and never pressured me but stated that it would be so difficult if we kept it. I was on the pill when I fell pregnant. I was indecisive for a week and it was horrific, my emotions were everywhere and I had horrible morning sickness. I didn't know what to do.
I eventually went to my doctor who made an appointment for me at bpas the same day. I took the first tablet and went home. I felt relieved that the decision had been made and there was no going back. It was a Saturday. I had no bleeding or pains.
On Monday I went back for the second set of treatment. I had pessaries inserted by a nurse who was lovely. It was painless, some antibiotics and was sent home. I got in bed and waited. After about an hour the cramps started, I felt the need to go to the loo. When I did clots came out, this was a horrible albeit painless feeling. Just so horrible, I shook when I knew I had to go to the toilet, and I never looked once - coward.
I had very heavy bleeding and more cramps that were not unmanageable. After about 6 hours of toilet trips and watching films the bleeding eased up. I was spotting lightly for the next five weeks - nothing too heavy. Again, I felt relieved that it was done.

After two weeks I experienced sharp pains now and again across my abdomen. I went to the docs who gave me some pain killers in case I had an infection. Pain cleared - five weeks after the treatment I did a pregnancy test and it was positive - another test, still positive. So I rang bpas on the Saturday who made an appointment for me the following Wednesday.
On the Tuesday however, things started to go bad. I started bleeding heavily and out of no where at around 2pm, passing lots of clots, it was heavier than the first day of treatment!!!! The bleeding continued and I knew I had to go to A&E. It was horrific. I lost so much blood and had to be internally examined - during which I passed so many clots!!! I can't even describe the ordeal. I stayed in over night on a drip and nil by mouth as I had to wait for the following day for a scan. I was nil by mouth in case I needed surgery.
The next day my scan showed something and my womb lining had not returned to normal - no product of conception left though. Anyway, I was released without treatment as the docs said it should pass naturally. I was given antibiotics to manage infection, and iron tabs as the incident left me anaemic.
A week later and I'm still in shock. The whole thing has brought up feelings of intense guilt and self disgust. I know I'm being punished and I'm glad that it's happening to me. I feel out of breath and weak whenever I go out. I have nothing left but regret and I wish I did not have the treatment l - not just because of the consequences but because I can't help but feel my empty aching womb all the time. There are no words. Please think before your decision and talk to your family - If I had done this I wouldn't be where I am now. I am of the catholic faith and I feel my bond with God broken, I hope I can be forgiven one day. If you are adamant I would say go for the surgical option, the medical one seems more natural but it's not. You will never forget the feeling of passing clots. Please. Think before you act. I wish I did.

Editor's Comment

A difficult experience made worse by the abortion being incomplete. Some clinics require you to go back for a scan to check that the procedure is complete, and this would have saved you going through an emergency admission. I am sorry this has made you feel guilty and regretting the decision. for post abortion support.

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