I only had my abortion two days ago. I am so sad, I cry constantly. I didn't really want it.

By anonymous on 04/03/2008
I only had my abortion two days ago. I am so sad, I cry constantly. I didn't really want it. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and love him very much. On January 28, I made a horrible mistake. I cheated on him for the first and last time with a married man who happens to be my best friend's husband.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant, and there was no way to find out who the baby's father was (without expensive DNA tests that you can't do till 11 weeks or so). Karma really is a bitch. It is the most devastating thing to ever happen to me.

I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, but not that it might not be his. I told the other guy too. They were both supportive with "whatever I wanted to do" but, I know my boyfriend wanted it. I wanted it. I wanted it to be my boyfriend's so bad…but, it was too close. I couldn't hurt him like that.

After a painful week, I decided to get the abortion. I told my boyfriend it was because I was in college and wanted to finish, which is true, but not really. I wanted the baby more. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am still in so much pain emotionally. I miss my baby. I am sure it is very difficult to get an abortion when you want one. Imagine not wanting one but thinking it's what you have to do. I couldn't hurt my boyfriend like that, telling him it might not be his.

But, now all I do is hurt. I have cried everyday since I found out I was pregnant and thought I would be relieved when it was over. I am not, I have cried even more since. I don't think I made the right choice. I want my baby; I want to be pregnant again. I want it to be my boyfriend's. I feel so lost. I feel like a murderer. I wanted that baby. I never didn't want it; I just didn't want to hurt so many people. My best friend’s been really supportive, but I can't even look at her. Nobody knows what I am really going through except my mom. She has been supportive too, but I feel so alone. My baby died for this secret, and now I feel like I am dying inside.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…you are under an incredibly heavy burden, aren’t you? Not only are you feeling the loss of your baby, but you are also struggling with the burden of the secrets and lies that now create a barrier between you and your boyfriend, you and your best friend and you and your own conscience.

Sadly, your hope that an abortion would bring relief has not really preserved anyone from pain. It’s not really possible for you maintain relationships with all these people having a secret like this. It sounds as if you need some support and care in this tangled situation, particularly in regard to your sense of loss – please contact your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor.

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