I had my abortion 28 years ago when I was 18.

I had my abortion 28 years ago when I was 18. I had a one night stand with my landlord whom I had fancied for a long time. However, he was not really interested in me. This one night resulted in a pregnancy and I was terrified when I found out. What would my friends think? I would be disowned! I went to my doctor and he said that I could easily have an abortion and I didn't have to tell my parents. I was so relieved. I went through with it and although I was very upset afterwards, I never really saw it as getting rid of my baby. It was more about getting rid of a problem. Now I am 46 years old and have been unable to have children. (This has nothing to do with my abortion - it is because my husband has a low sperm count). We did try IVF four times but were unsuccessful each time. A year ago, what I had done 28 years ago really started playing on my mind and I began to see that I had got rid of my child. The pain and guilt I now feel is unbearable. Not once did I think of my baby all those years ago and now I cannot think of anything else. I cannot forgive myself and wonder if my baby felt pain. I have nightmares where I hear my baby screaming "Mummy, please do not kill me". All those years ago it was all about me. What about the rights of the child? Will I ever get over this? Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your experience with us…Something has obviously happened to surface these dormant feelings in you and now they seem to occupy your thoughts - feelings of loss and guilt in particular. Whatever triggered this, it’s your subconscious’ way of telling you that something deep inside you needs your kind attention. It might be a good place to start to contact your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor to talk through what has happened and receive some support through our recovery programme called ‘The Journey’. There is a way through this for you - we'll be thinking of you.

This story was sent in on 08/03/2008

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