After the surgery I went into a terrible depression and I have some PTSD
When I was 18 I had a boyfriend and found out he was cheating on me, we broke up and shortly after I started getting morning sickness. I took a test and it was positive.
My mother encouraged me to get an abortion. I wanted too anyway at that point, I didn't want any ties to that person.
So I had my best male friend (now husband of 5 years) take me. When we were driving there he said that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I keep it and financially I could have made it work but like I said I didn't want any ties to this other man.
So we get to the first doctors office where a male doctor had to get me dilated. He swabbed me and gave me an ultrasound and I was thinking I was around 8 weeks and he told me I was closer to thirteen which made me feel like the worst person.
He gave me some numbing shots and put these clamps in and had to pull my cervix down, then a little sponge thing in to help dilate me.
It was very painful and I had a quick blackout. I woke up very clammy and the doctor was holding a wet paper towel on my forehead. This process took a long time.
Then he sent me over to the actual hospital where I filled the paperwork out, mind you I felt so much shame. So they called me back and my friend gives me a hug and a nurse hooks up my iv and they wheel me back. I think there was the male doctor and three nurses.
I was so so ashamed and especially because they all knew what was about to happen. The nurse gave me the stuff to help me fall asleep and has me count. I didn't make it very far, I was out cold.
I woke up back in a little room and the nurse gave me some 7Up and asked if my friend should come back and I said yes.
After a short while talking to him the doctor came back to tell me how everything went and the whole time he is talking to me I am just staring at the blood on his scrubs, numb.
We leave the hospital and make it about a block and I ask him to pull over and I throw up. I know it was the medicine mixed with the guilt. But there was also some sense of relief.
About a week later the doctor who did it called me a call and tells me the swab tested positive for chlamydia. Awesome, thanks dirtbag ex-boyfriend, lets just add insult to injury.
After the surgery I went into a terrible depression and I have some PTSD - if I hear a blender or drill or for a while a vacuum my whole body tensed up and I felt pain in my cervix. I know it's in my head but it's a trigger. It was really hard for a while. I am much better now.
I have a healthy 3&4 year old and after having these children I can't imagine taking the life of a baby again. The guilt will never go away. Neither will the mental pain. It was not the hardest decision to make but it is the hardest choice to live with.