To this day the image haunts me and I'm full of resentment

By Danii on 01/08/2015
medical abortion abortion 6 weeks

My story begins in December 2014.

It had been a lovely Christmas and as always everyone's always merry when alcohol and festivities come together! At the time I was 24, 2 years previously I had given birth to a little boy, something me and my fiance talked endlessly about for a year before we decided to try! With Christmas being one of those busy times, contraception was the last thing on our minds!

I went back to college in January - a fresh year! That year I would leave with an NVQ level 3 diploma in business administration and I couldn't wait to get started job hunting!

But the first week of January I began to feel a little peculiar! A bit like how I felt when pregnant with my son! But I pushed it to the back of mind and put it down to being exhausted from all my exams! But when my period was a no-show it instantly made me stop and wonder.

It took me several days to come clean to my fiance about being pregnant! I received the complete opposite reaction that I'd wanted! He insisted on abortion but I just couldn't stand my ground!

As much as I wanted another baby I had to agree that our finances weren't in the best of shape and we were only just scraping by with the one child so the two would be sure to put us in financial turmoil!

I went to my doctor who referred us to the local abortion clinic!

My emotions were in overdrive and we did nothing but bicker about stupid things. Deep down I hated him for putting me through this, not wanting our child again! My feelings never mellowed and at one point I really did consider packing my things and leaving him!

At my appointment, they scanned me and told me I was 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant, when I was allowed to sit up I saw the monitor... this neat little circle in a field or darkness! With a heartbeat! It was a living thing! My heart sank!

I had my first lot of pills that would stop the hormone production and was told to come back the next day for the tablets that would start the miscarriage.

The whole of the night before I was restless, didn't sleep and felt anxious! I felt a deep darkness descend on me! I went back in the afternoon for the pills which were inserted in my cervix and was told to rest, take painkillers when needed, and call if things didn't go to plan!

I was fine until 3 hours after!! The pain was crushing me! It felt like labour pains all over again but this time there wasn't a baby at the end to make the pain worthwhile! Eventually, I passed what looked like a sac and a little circle inside it! I stood speechless for a few minutes just staring!

Though the physical pain was gone, the mental pain of that little circle will stay with me for eternity! Still, to this day the image haunts me and I'm full of resentment for my other half!

They say you can get through anything as a couple but to be honest I think it hindered us more than helped us! I now receive counselling and am on anti-depressants! It's something that will stay with me for the rest of my life! Not a day goes by that I don't think of myself as a murderer!

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